A Completely Original My Immortal Commentary
by BeautifulThyla
Summary: A commentary of the most iconic fanfiction ever written (guys, it literally has it's own wikipedia page). I originally started this at the age of 13 so now my totally sophisticated 19 year old self will finish it. PSA maybe don't read if you're easily offended, that's all I'm saying
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: I started a commentary on this fanfiction way back in 2011 at the age of fuckin 13, because that was the done thing back then lmao. I got an email the other day saying someone had left a review and I'm fucking bored enough to do it all over again. Now that I'm older and wiser, with more worldly experience (l m a o) this might be a bit funnier than it initially was. My commentary, I mean. At least I hope it was funny in the first place.**

 **Yeah I haven't changed at all, except I'd like to think I spell a bit better.**

My Immortal

 _ **Chapter 1.**_ _ **  
**_  
 _AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)_ **ahahaha wow ok here we fuckin go. Im gonna use get it cos im goffik as an excuse for everything now try and stop me lmao** _2 my gf (ew not in that way)_ **gotta love subtle homophobia, that's fuckin great** _raven, bloodytearz666_ **best username ever, I'm gonna tattoo it on my fuckin ass** _4 helpin me wif da story and spelling._ **:) yeah she did a great job with the spelling, is she like… dyslexic or something?** _U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2_ **I'm totally saying this to my boyfriend until the end of time** _! MCR ROX!_ **I wonder what her reaction was to my chemical romance splitting up. Probably killed herself or something lmao**

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **that's a beautiful name** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name **yes. She was literally fuckin born with long ebony hair. How terrifying. Maybe they fuckin used her long ass hair to yank her out of her ma's vagina. Also she literally described her black hair as ebony, like is that not black? UPDATE, I googled it, it is black. I'm smart** ) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back **im sorry purple streaks w red tips just sounds fuckin ugly.** and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **RIGHT so I fuckin googled this shit (update if u google actual limpid tears all you get is this fanfic and some frankly awful fanarts. Yeah this shit has FAN ART) and what she's saying is pretty much her eyes are real clear and like, I will applaud her, that's a fuckin good adjective, well done, but the tears thing I don't get? Like she's already said her eyes are blue so why u throwing in MORE ways to say blue, (even though it's not blue, like it's clear, but I get what shes trying to say so I'll give her some leeway here), like this fuckin bitch loves describing colours with MORE colours.** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee **I don't ever remember amy lee having purple streaks and red tips, or being a 17 year old british wee girl. I don't know, I don't listen to evanescence ok** _(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)_ **adios amigos!**. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie **this girl has an incest fetish, that's cool, im not here to kinkshame, you do you, lena dunham**. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. **YAY TWILIGHT, lets not talk about that** I have pale white skin. **That's nice sweetie** I'm also a witch, **oh wow what an added fuckin bonus** and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **we all know Hogwarts is in Scotland by now ok, lets move on** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). **If she's in her seventh year, that means she's done her OWL's already and got into NEWTs. I wanna know this bitch's OWL grades, like is she secretly a fuckin genius. IMAGINE MCGONAGALL MARKING HER FUCKIN TRANSFIGURATION PAPER BYE** I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **yay stereotypes** and I wear mostly black. **same babe, but I promise I'm not a goth, basically everyone wears black, its easy to wear.** I love Hot Topic **we don't have hot topic here soz** and I buy all my clothes from there. **AGAIN, KIDS WHO LIVE AND BREATHE HOT TOPIC ARE FUCKING CREEPY** For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **Completely irrelevant since Hogwarts has a uniform but im gonna cut her some slack and assume this is the weekend** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **That's hot** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, **this magical occurrence is called SLEETING, very common.** which I was very happy about. **Bitch, no, IT'S FUCKIN FREEZING** A lot of preps stared at me. **Im trying to figure out what the equivalent of preps is over here, I don't really think we have a name, they're just normal, popular kids.** I put up my middle finger at them. **Ow, the edge.**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. **THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME** Draco Malfoy! **Amazing.**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **Draco Malfoy is portrayed as arrogant and up his own ass, and no matter his faults, Draco does have a lot of confidence, he is not fucking shy.**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **What, that's it? THAT WAS A FUCKING RIVETING CONVERSATION RIGHT THERE OH LORD. Also ur friends called and you have to leave? Says who? Bitch you are in a fuckin castle in the middle of a mountain, there's not many fuckin places you can go. Also is she not in slytherin? They're in the same house, they live in the same area, THEY COULD HAVE WALKED TOGETHER, HER FRIENDS COULD HAVE JOINED IN THE CONVERSATION?**

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

 **FANG LMAO**

 _ **Chapter 2.**_

 _AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!_ **I know that this is literally just some wee girl having a laugh, writing this story but bloodytearz666 is still the best username in the world I'm jealous.**

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 **SHE PUT A 666 IN THE PAGE BREAKER HAHAHAHAH**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **I, too, often wake in my own room** It was snowing and raining again. **Again, sleeting is a thing, js.** I opened the door of my coffin **a coffin. She sleeps in a coffin. Just let that sink in. some girl arrived at Hogwarts, carting a fucking coffin and set it up in a dorm full of girls and sleeps in it. Let me tell you something, kids are cruel. GIRLS are fucking wild. Within two weeks of her sleeping in this thing, the girls in her dorm would have duct taped the coffin shut. IT ALSO JUST OCCURRED TO ME THAT THIS BITCH KNEW THE FUCKIN WEATHER WITHOUT ACTUALLY LOOKING. Like it's the UK, we don't have much variation in weather but even still.** and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **mmmm bottled blood, my favourite.** My coffin was black ebony **again with the describing colours with colours. Amazing.** and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. **I'd imagine that was expensive** I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. **I cant say shit, I wear large tshirts to bed, most people do.** Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. **Just your usual, everyday wear, y'know. Hogwarts does have a uniform though.** I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow _(AN: Raven dis is u!)_ **OH MY GOD IT'S RAVEN! I have been WAITING for this character holy shit!** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **Wait so. Willow woke up, grinned at her mate, flipped her hair and THEN opened her eyes. That's just fucking creepy. ALSO LOOK SHE FINALLY DESCRIBED A COLOUR WITHOUT A COLOUR. WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.** She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. **UNIFORM LADIES, THEY DO HAVE ONE. Its even black like, what more do you want.** We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **im sorry, I get really dark colours on ur lips is a thing now, but black lipstick is just a no.**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **Did she say oh my fucking god or OH EM EFF GEE, cos that's just too much effort. But on the plus side, shout out to your mate being supportive of you getting some dick. That's what real friends do.**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **OOOOHHH GUUUURRRLL U BLUSHIN**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. **Remember when the slytherin common room was literally in the entrance hall. Just right there for fucking everyone to see. I do. Fuck actually living under a lake (which, aside from like constant damp and being really cold, sounds really fucking cool). Also she's asking her this in the slytherin dorms, where draco is, and has a lot of friends that tell him everything. By the time her mate asked this, draco already knew this conversation was happening.**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **Jesus Christ love, she was only fucking asking.**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. **They're literally shouting this conversation and then he just happened to walk up to her – he fuckin knows.**

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **Insert wink face emojis.**

"Guess what." he said. **See, without the question mark, this just makes it sound like he's saying it completely monotone and therefore is actually being paid by fuckin Zabini to go talk to the weird school shooter chick who everyone knows wants to ride draco.**

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **Oh god, remember when good charlotte was a thing? Are they still a thing? Are they even a band anymore? (UPDATE Good Charlotte are still a thing, they actually just released an album last year, who knew). Also fuckin shout out to Good Charlotte going all the way to fuckin HOGSMEADE to do a concert, that very fucking weekend. I can't even get my favourite band to come to my fucking continent damn it.**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **Yep. You guessed it. She screamed it out, for everyone to hear. Also convenient that they're your favourite band and the guy you like happened to know you like them and told you about it. Even though you have never actually spoke to him in the entire seven years you have gone to Hogwarts together. You really are the school shooter of Hogwarts, congratulations.**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **OH THE SUSPENSE. THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME**

 _ **Chapter 3.**_

 _AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte._ **I love how she calls all the people that said nice things (a.k.a her mother, at gun point) goffiks. What if they were actually preps? YOU DON'T KNOW THEIR STORIES TARA, GOD**

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **not gonna lie, since her hair is meant to be waist long, when she said it was all spikey, I immediately thought of Bill Kaulitz circa 2008. Google him, you'll see what I mean.** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **fuckin same babez, I'm doing the same thing reading this tbh.** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. **is this, or is this not, literally a scene from Gone Girl, I'm laughing** I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. **racoons are so hot** Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **I usually just drink tea, but whatever**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **yeah, draco owns a flying car now. Arthur Weasley left the Ministry of Magic to start a magic car dealership, fuck wizarding laws.** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too) **convenient** , baggy black skater pants, **gross** black nail polish and a little eyeliner _(AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!)_. **not anymore**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **Bitch you are going to see your favourite fucking band with a boy you want to fuck, lighten up.**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. **Riveting conversation here** We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **he's pureblood, he has no idea about cars. Following canon, this is taking place in 1998 (which means good charlotte just formed and simple plan won't exist for another year and mcr doesn't form until 2001) ANYWAY, in 1998, chances are draco is actually driving a fucking 1995 Ford Mondeo. Now that's the real pussy wagon right there. (yes I actually sat and googled this shit ok, if im gonna critique something, I'm gonna get my fuckin facts right)** and flew to the place with the concert. **Hogsmeade is like a 10 minute walk** On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **Turning into an episode of Skins** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. **yeah, they literally fucking hopped. Happy Easter everyone.** We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. **So you arrived late, despite living like right next door and then somehow managed to walk straight to the front, no fucking bother. Convenient that you missed Simple Plan, the band whose debut album isn't released until 2002, despite forming in 1999, AND they're an American band, so I would say they didn't come to the UK until around 2004 after gaining some notice and that's a push because internet still wasn't great so people in the UK would really have to dig to find them so it would actually be around 2006/2007 unless they got enough attention from opening for another group, like just from their Wikipedia page they did actually open for good charlotte in the years that this fanfiction was originally written but even then that would be only in America. I KNOW I'M PUTTING TOO MUCH THOUGHT INTO THIS BUT IT'S SOMETHING THAT REALLY IRRITATES ME.**

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel _(I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song)_. **This song is called the chronicles of life and death and was released in 2004.**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. **Hogsmeade has a club now**

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **Draco's a fuckin lil bitch if he gets insecure about this shit. My boyfriend is well aware I'd sell my left tit to ride tom hiddleston but that's fine cos he'd do the same for margot Robbie. You gotta put these things into perspective, it's never going to happen, but it's nice to dream.**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **Ur in a mosh pit, this conversation isn't happening, and he's actually just being smashed against you by everyone else around you.**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **HAHAHA oh fuck I remember that being a thing. Yeah she was 16 and he was 25. That's really fucking creepy. He's currently married to Nicole Richie, nice.**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, **lmao they got so shitfaced they had to crawl back ahahah, but no seriously, don't drink and drive kids. Cars don't actually fly, you will die.** but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **NO. FUCKIN. WAY.**

 _ **Chapter 4.**_

 _AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY_ **I'm naming my first born Enoby, bye** _nut mary su_ **remember when mary sue's were a thing.** _OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!_ **Draco knows nothing about enoby. I'm aware that they knew each other from before, they're in the same house, in the same year, which means in seven years, these 10-20 odd people got to know each other in some way (I'm going by the UK school system in that there's usually 20-30 odd people in a class and classes usually consist of two houses which makes me think there's about 15 odd average slytherins who spend a good deal of their days together.)**

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **he taking you to aragog for a fuckin sacrifice bitch bye lmao**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. **He just opened the door and fuckin fell out of the car lmao** I walked out of it too, curiously. **Gurl ur either going to get raped or murdered, or both.**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked. **Im going for raped.**

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close **definitely rape.** and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **that's fuckin creepy** which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness **what do I even say to that** and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **Yeah shes gonna get raped.**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **Who said romance is dead? Also this bitch was mad at him 0.2 seconds ago but suddenly this is fine? Wth?** He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. **Wow what a slut, how dare she take off her bra** Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **Amazing. This is the best smut I have ever read in my entire life, like I'm so wet right now.**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then…. **Saucy.**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore! **Dumbledore's having a bad day lmao. Also you cannot talk to school kids this way wtf**

 **AND that's enough for today, there'll be regular updates this week. Enjoy the fuckin suspense lmao, adios!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: yoooo what's happenin bitchez, I'm back with a fuckin part two. Shoutout to that fucking cliff hanger last chapter though wow had me on the edge of my seat. You know that first chapter took a 2 hour long vaporwave playlist to write? I'm aiming for that length this time too. The next chapter has already been written and I'm about to start writing chapter 4 as I publish this just so people aren't left waiting for ages. This one is quite short at just over 3,000 words but the next one is around 4,000 and I'll try to keep them between these two.**

 **Enjoy xx**

 **There's a lot of rape mentioned in this one by the way.**

 _ **Chapter 5.**_

 _AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!_ **A poser! Wow, haven't heard that since 2006.** _Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache_ **me too bruh** _ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!_ **More like Dumbledore's pissed because he saw draco raping a girl in the forbidden forest?** _PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!_ **Ahahha same.**

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 **AHAHAH 666 PAGE BREAKER MAKES A COMEBACK I love it.**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily. **No shit.**

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **Wow. That's an insult and a half right there.**

I started to cry tears of blood **Vampire or not I would seriously get that looked at, also that's really not hot.** down my pallid face. **Right, my first thought was, is that not how you describe corpses, being pallid? So I googled it and the literal definition is "(of a person's face) pale, typically because of poor health" so yeah, I know Dumbledore's mad n shit but can we get this girl to a fuckin doctor, cos that's not good.** Draco comforted me. **I imagine he actually ran away because there is blood coming out of your fuckin eyes. Also he fuckin raped you girl, get away.** When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **Right, snape I get, because he's the head of slytherin, but why is mcgonagall here? Also this is 1998, Dumbledore's fuckin dead and Snape is principal with Slughorn being the head of Slytherin. I suppose this was written like 2006 so the ending hasn't happened yet.**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **Uhm nah, draco was raping her. She didn't consent. Not to mention they're also drunk and he has a flying Ford Mondeo.**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **That is honestly the most iconic line I have ever read in my entire life amen this is the title of my autobiography.**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **ya, you loved her, so you raped her? Also fuck off you're 17, what do you know about love? You barely know her. AND YOU RAPED HER. Man when does harry get here, at least his character is funnier.**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **Totally legit excuse to get away with rape. Although once a girl in my class broke up with her boyfriend and she got sent home to 'recover' they'd been together for 2 months. She is also 19. I'm in college. I will never understand people.**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **Upstairs to where? You're slytherins! Your dorms are in the dungeons!**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently. **Soz I raped u n shite enoby my bad peace emoji**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. **damn right u lied.** I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **Why would you wear high heeled boots to bed? Also I used to have a floor length lace nightdress and let me tell you, it's not comfy to sleep in.** When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. **RIGHT. So, again, this song was released in 2004. ALSO, upon a quick glance over the lyrics, this song is about being stalked by crazy fans now that they're (good charlotte) so famous. And on the second note, draco is not going to know this ok, like he could maybe sing along to some Celestina warbeck and maybe know one song by the weird sisters, but like that's it.** I was so flattered, **why? The song has no romantic aspect whatsoever** even though he wasn't supposed to be there. **Uhm yeah? Also, just like in the Gryffindor dorms, I would imagine there are defenses to stop boys getting into the girls dorms** We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

 _ **Chapter 6.**_

 _AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!_ **Lmao same**

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. **well yeah, did ur bed change overnight?** I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. **UNIFORM. HOGWARTS HAS ONE.** I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **Tacky.**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal **we don't have that here, soz** with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. **Uhm yeah, these are not options available and also that's fuckin gross.** Suddenly someone bumped into me. **ur sitting down? Are you telling me that she's been standing this whole time? Who eats cereal in the great hall standing up? It's not like there's no room, have you seen the great hall? It is fucking huge. Also people wake at different times so we have been shown that the great hall is usually half full in the morning.** All the blood spilled over my top. **Fuckin gutted.**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up **bitch why? At the end of the day, they just ruined ur shirt. Blood is really hard to get out (warm water and salt! Just incase anyone is wondering! Just let it soak and give it a scrub, it works wonders, ur welcome)** cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **why does everyone have gross coloured streaks in their hair? That's really not attractive.** He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. **That's…. really fucking ugly sounding suddenly im gay.** He didn't have glasses anymore **HUZZAH HARRY FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO CURE HIS SIGHT** and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's **who wears that shit on a daily basis, fuck off** and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **It's a curse scar, it doesn't go away unless ur telling me he's wearing some really fuckin good concealer** He had a manly stubble on his chin. **he's 17, it's really gross bum fluff, be real.** He had a sexy English accent. **well yeah, the majority of these students are from England? They're gonna have an English accent? So does draco?** He looked exactly like Joel Madden. **if, yknow, joel madden was 17 w bum fluff and had a stylist that fucking hated him.** He was so sexy that my body went all hot **oh guuuurrrrllll** when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **What, why am I the sicko? You're the one with the fuckin incest kink, DON'T THINK I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN YOUR COMMENTS ABOUT GERARD WAY**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice. **Every guy here is shy as dicks**

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. **As if she doesn't fuckin know, fuck off.**

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **No. no they don't. they really fucking don't. they call you the chosen one at this point. Or undesirable number one. Whichever. I'm fucking leaning towards undesirable at this point.**

"Why?" I exclaimed. **Bitch take a wild fucking guess. Also stop shouting**

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **That's really weird and like a one way ticket to HIV**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. **Yeah no one could tell from the coffin you sleep in or the fact you're eating cereal with blood and drinking blood out of a goblet like bitch fuck off this aint no damn confession.**

"Really?" he whimpered. **Why is he whimpering. Why.**

"Yeah." I roared. **WHY ARE YOU ROARING. The rains of castemere begin to play in the distance.**

We sat down to talk for a while. **You're already sitting. Also no way is harry sitting at the slytherin table** Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **More rape probably idfk.**

 _ **Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life**_ **wow suddenly we've got chapter names and im having ptsd to being 12**

 _AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws._ **Amazing** _n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!_ **Suddenly she has a dodgy german accent.** _STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS!_ **A satanits. Wonderful. Im assuming, going with her edgy theme, tara means ebony is a devil worshipper. They're different things. This is twice in one week I've explained this, amazing** _n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!_ **Me n ebony both peace emoji sunglass emoji**

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Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. **Yes they were literally holding their hands on the stumps of their arms, Jaime Lannister eat your heart out (wow two game of thrones references, BOTH LANNISTER TOO, im on a roll) also why are you going upstairs, you are slytherins.** I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish _(AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)_. **i do believe she magically changed outfit.** I waved to Vampire. **you waved ur stump from all the way up the stairs.** Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **This bitch has super vision.** I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **see she says this, but I think she means it the other round judging by the upcoming reaction to this massive plot twist coming up** Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. **Yeah, ANYWAY.** We went into his room and locked the door. Then… **yep, called it, rape x2**

We started frenching passively **that is unbelievably the wrong adjective** and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. **teenage boys are gross, this is not a turn on.** Then I took off my black leather bra **uhm ow, chaffing much?** and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. _(c is dat stupid?)_ **again with the WORLD CLASS SMUT. Move over 50 shades amiright.**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **How has she never seen his arm before? Also wow that's tacky for a tattoo, this coming from me w my tacky kpop tattoo (I regret nothing)**

I was so angry. **Well, yeah. Also convenient she met vampire just before this otherwise she'd probably think it's for her. Also shoutout to drarry! I live.**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed. **Boing.**

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much. **Bitch, sit down, you know literally nothing about this.**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **yay more homophobia. Great.**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. **now she's reminding me of a toddler.** Draco ran out even though he was naked. **Nice. Totally not going to regret that.** He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **Well clearly you did, because you literally just commented.** I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. **And now she magically knows his schedule, this bitch has an awful lot of convenience in her life.**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **Couldn't have just yelled harry, no. you went with vampire. Also why is he a motherfucker come on now. You and draco aren't even officially together!**

 _ **Chapter 8.**_ **R.I.P chapter names, you will be missed.**

 _AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!_

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Everyone in the class stared at me **no wonder, you just bombed into this class like a crazy bitch, cursing out harry potter** and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked **wow he's never going to live that down** and started begging me to take him back **you two aren't even together? You haven't even broke up.**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **For once, listen to draco.**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith **just… wow.** smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. **So this bitch has been sitting in class this whole time with her fuckin eyes closed, in fuckin reboot mode or something? And she magically knows what happened despite never having spoke to you in the entire time this weird shit w draco has been going on? Ok. Also again w describing colours with a colour. I mean this one sort of works but even so.** She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. **Of course she was, I should have seen this coming.** Her real parents are vampires **im sensing a trend here.** and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. **I mean, I can get behind that reasoning (sort of) but did you have to be so blasé about it?** She still has nightmares about it **if she was kidnapped as a baby and never knew her parents, how can she have nightmares? Harry only ever sees a green flash, and it only becomes a nightmare after the memories are drawn out of him by the dementors. Hermione has never had a similar encounter and therefore no memory.** and she is very haunted and depressed. **Fucking everyone is depressed** It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. **There's literally no reasoning behind this? I can't defend this in any way.** (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) **The hat sorts you into your house by your values as a person, and while I'm sure this does take in your religious values (not many 11 year olds have strong religious values anyway) are you telling me that the houses are now discriminating against religions? Are all the ravenclaws Muslims? What?**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **Snape watched a lot of 1940's horror movies over the weekend and has decided he wants to channel that shit yaaasss werk it snape (nah but really fuck snape, he's a shitty person)**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **Ebony Dark'ness DEMENTIA Raven Way, living up to her fucking name here.**

Everyone gasped. **Well yeah bitch they gasped, this is the first they've heard that harry potter's dating the fucking weird school shooter slytherin bitch that's been weirdly declaring she's dating draco even though it was totally a bet from Zabini lbr and now apparently harry potter's sleeping with draco Malfoy, bitch what also now he's called vampire? Man harry changed over the summer.**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **oh ok random pov change, that's cool (this never happens again throughout the whole story as far as I'm aware.)** I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony **convenient** ) for a while but then he broke my heart. **gutted** He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. **Who tf is Britney? Is ginny not a thing? What?** We were just good friends now. **Doesn't sound like it to me, draco sounds bitter af.** He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **I mean, apparently you did. ALSO COME ON DRACO MALFOY IS THE LITERAL DEFINITION OF PREP FUCK OFF. And like is the cure to everyone's problems becoming 'goffik'? shit, I might become a goth, save me a lot of trouble.**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire. **Bitch when were you even dating fucking ebony over here?**

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. **I mean, you confronted him AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN DATING HIM?** I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest **Since when the fuck has Snape's classroom IN THE DUNGEON been right next to the forbidden forest?** where I had lost my virility to Draco **well yeah I'd imagine getting raped would make you lose your sex drive.** and then I started to bust into tears. **Yeah she literally just fuckin spontaneously combusted, draco and harry get back together, hermione starts therapy the end.**

 **RIGHT. That's all from me for today, adios, don't forget to leave a review, or even flame u preppy fukers peace out. Next chapter will be published tomorrow.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Note: Yoo it's me, back again with this crap. I am already a couple of chapters ahead so updates will be steady. I'm off for easter for another week so I will probably upload a couple times a week. Anyway, we left off with enoby spontaneously combusting in the forbidden forest after mixing up her boyfriend, who raped her, with some dude she just met, who is actually her boyfriend's ex, and then making a total dick out of herself. Also Hermione is now called B'loody Mary Smith. Yeah.**

 **I have the entire story saved in one document and just take bits and pieces out. Did you kow the whole thing is like 51,000 words long? Yeah and im commenting on the whole thing. amazing**

 **Enjoy xx**

 _ **Chapter 9.**_

 _AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!_ **Yeah, we gathered that sweetie** _dis is frum da movie ok_ **what movies were these? We watched very different movies** _so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!_ **well…. it is.** _besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!_ **same** _and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist!_ **Yeah instead of the usual, 'I wanted to bang ur mum but ur dad was a dick to me and u look like him so therefore u suck. Also I inadvertently killed ur parents soz' trope. Cos that got old real quick** _MCR ROX!_ **Yeah… not anymore.**

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I was so mad and sad. **she was smad** I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. **This was already explained, he fucking didn't. he dated harry before you.** I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **Ok that's a fucking big ass forest, how the fuck do you know what tree he raped you against?**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything **"and everything" that's all I need to say.** started flying towards me on a broomstick! **Voldemort just hanging out, y'know, no big.** He didn't have a nose _(basically like Voldemort in the movie)_ **yeah, you said that already.** and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. **Remember, only goffiks can wear black. If u wear black and ur not goffik, ur a preppy poser and u should die.** It was… Voldemort! **Yeah we kinda guessed that, but good on you trying to build up suspense.**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away. **I think she means Petrificus Totalus tbh.**

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. **Yeah, fuckin hermione's cat just explodes out of nowhere and killed Voldemort. Bet harry wishes he thought of that. Also in this entire fanfiction based in Hogwarts, there has been no mention of wands at all. Weird.** Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. **Voldemort is scared of cats, amazing.** I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **What… what do I even say to that? What can I say?**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **Don't tell anyone, but Voldemort really fuckin loves Shakespeare. Also shoutout to Voldemort knowing harry's fuckin gay ass nickname.**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes **yeah… no.** and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. **Uhm. No. it- it doesn't.** I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **Have you ever seen that 'mind blown' gif floating around on tumblr and it's the guy with a shocked face while like fireworks explode? That's literally me right now.**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back. **Oh she ballsey.**

Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged. **he-what? Thomas! You don't give kid's guns! Honestly. I suppose it would be very confusing, in a wizarding school.**

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **that is an exhausting way to talk. Snape and Voldemort went to the theatre lately and they really loved it and they just can't let go. Also wow Voldemort threatens to kill malfoy's a lot. Remember when he held draco's family hostage last year. Also, following timeline, draco's already a death eater.**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way. **Again, draco's a death eater. Have you tried lying to Voldemort? Never works out.**

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. **HAHAHAHA fuck, me always tbh.** "I hath telekinesis." **isn't that one where you can move shit with your mind? She's got her tele's mixed up.** he answered cruelly. **yeah its so cruel he can do this.** "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **I wanna leave the room by flying away angrily on a broomstick now. That'd probably be a bit weird though. A god damn 20 year old on a brush pretending to fly away angrily. YOLO as the kids say.**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods. **Again with the convenience.**

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram _(geddit)_ **how does one do their fuckin eyeliner like a pentagram? I don't remember that michelle phan video.** between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. **Gross. I mean, Gerard Way is a very handsome dude, but Joel Madden? Nah.**

"Are you okay?" I asked. **Aye, clearly he's fuckin grand. He was half way through fucking you, then you fucking freaked out like a nutjob and then he ran bollock naked through the school to announce that he used to fuck harry potter. He's having a great day.**

"No." he answered. **Im truly shocked.**  
"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **Sorry I had a total psycho bitch fit that resulted in you showing your ding dong to the whole school, my bad boo**

"That's okay." he said all depressed **yeah he just realized he's gonna have to fuckin kill zabini for convincing him to do this shitty bet and shag ur ass** and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **That's quite an achievement. How does that work exactly?**

 _ **Chapter 10.**_

 _AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!_ **how enlightening, thanks.**

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I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. **most people in that time were, yes.** I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **Wow they're my all time favourite band ever.** I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. **Well I hardly expected her to say 'I play the triangle'** People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **That would literally just be a blur of noise. I don't like good charlotte, I like maybe three songs of slipknot and I don't even like my chemical romance that much.** The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, **of course** Vampire, Draco, **if you were in a band with these two this whole time, how come you were never aware of draco or harry and you never knew they dated? Plot holes.** Ron (although we call him Diabolo **diabolo is a form of juggling. Does ron juggle? I don't think so.** now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it. **im sorry but gingers that dye their hair black, NEVER look nice.** ) and Hargrid. **cos hagrid's down w the kidz yo** Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. **same.** I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too **that's mighty convenient.** and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s _(there's no way I'm writing that)_ or a steak) **Please take note of this sentence, it will become very important at the end of this chapter** and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **Tim Burton movies are shite, I'm sorry.** I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs **again with the chaffing** and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. **the band that hasn't even formed yet.** You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **I mean, I don't care either way. Not sure what how you dress has to do with your sex life but ok.**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **Dramatic.**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. **bitch, don't be fuckin rude** And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. **Yeah you did that already.**  
Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. **CONVENIENCE. I swear this fuckin story man. Also jumped out from behind a wall? Draco is apparently a ghost now.**

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" _(c is dat out of character?)_ **yeah, she's posing as a muggle, also don't even speak to me about out of character.**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. **That is a lot of crying, im uncomfortable just reading it**

We practiced for one more hour. **Fuck, enoby got over that fast,** Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. **Glad you're well informed about dumbledore's mannerisms.**

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. _(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)_ "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **Now, remember what I said about remembering that above sentence? The one about how draco is a vampire AND CAN'T BE KILLED BY SLITTING HIS WRISTS. Like that was a literal statement that was made AND YET. Here we are.**

 **Author's note: this next chapter is a real gem, like I'm cackling my way through it**

 _ **Chapter 11.**_

 _AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!_

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"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. **You literally said yourself, he's a vampire and can't die from sltting his wrists. Also how does this bitch have friends?** Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **He is the headmaster of the fucking school, yes he can go into your room if necessary.**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. **A perfectly normal reaction also please get that blood thing checked out** They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. **Oh jesus Christ Linkin Park. You know they're trying to make a comeback? Yeah it's fuckin awful.** I grabbed a steak **aww im hungry now.** and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **This bitch just wants to commit suicide all the fuckin time. When is she gonna grow a pair and do it** I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. **her boyfriend just killed himself but I'm glad she's taken the time to tell me what shes wearing. I would be lost otherwise.** I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks. **Snap and Loopin. Sounds like a kiddies cartoon show. Also please remember this is in the slytherin dorm. Underneath the lake. These two are literally at the bottom of the lake just to take photos of this one student. If you're gonna perv on a student I'm pretty sure there are easier ways to do so. Also since when did fucking snape and lupin hang out?**

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. **Thank you for telling me about your towel at this distressing time.** Suddenly Vampire ran in. **yeah harry potter just fucking ran into the slytherin dormitory. Never mind how he got the password, how the hell did he get past all the slytherins and find her room?**

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **his womb. Yeah, harry is ftm trans and literally just fuckin ripped his womb out to shout the killing curse at lupin.** I took my gun **oh yeah I forgot Voldy gave her a gun** and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times **she counted.** and they both started screaming and the camera broke. **Again, she's under a lake. If she shot them through the window, all the water of the lake is going to flood the slytherin dormitory and kill most of them.** Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" **fucking reunion in enoby's bathroom. Also what a cliff hanger.** he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly… **yet more cliff hangers.**

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk. **Hagrid ran outside and announced this to the world, because everyone else is miles away under the lake, drowning cos enoby fuckin broke the windows.**

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **ok this is taking place in 1998. If hagrid is a student, we should be in the early 1940's.**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **thank you for sharing hagrid, but currently the slytherin students are drowning so we're a bit busy, can we do this some other time?**

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." **His hand. Apparently enoby has shit aim and missed him despite shooting him a gazillion times. And dumbledore's wand now has the ability to shoot people. And he heard hagrid from all the way under the lake. Hogwarts really is magic.**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. **Yeah she really did yell madly because this IS madness, like I have no fucking idea what is going on at this moment.**

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. **Yeah, that's really not how that's spelt.** "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" **Loopin knows his priorities.**

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. **Yeah same, I hate that feeling.**

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. **Literally no one is doing anything right now, except drowning BECAUSE WE'RE UNDER THE FUCKING LAKE. Why has the giant squid not fucking showed up.**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. **I AM SO LOST WHAT IS HAPPENING.**

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **LMAO me though, I always sing gothic covers of 50 cent songs.**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. **What is going on?**

"Because I LOVE HER!" **what. I am so fucking lost. I have no idea what is happening.**

 **Author's note: this next chapter is even better than the last. Also please help me is there plot at this point? I don't even know.**

 _ **Chapter 12.**_

 _AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!_ **Paedophilia is a worldwide issue and if hagrid's a student, he's the same age as ebony so he's not a paedophile. That would be snap and loopin** _ **.**_ _how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!_ **wait, cedric's here? Since when?**

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. **WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? Also now he's drago. AND IS NO ONE GOING TO ADDRESS THE FACT THAT EVERYONE IS DROWNING UNDER THE LAKE? NO? OK. while all this is happening enoby's just gonna slit her wrists, no big.**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" **yeah, harry says that a lot.** and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **His. Red. Whites. Yep.**

I stopped. "How did u know?" **? Know what?**

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!" **uhm what. How can you tell what shape your scar is without looking at it?**

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **Fuck, me too girl.**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH yeah that sounds like the usual type of shit friends do. I can imagine how that went down. "man I hate my fuckin scar. I wish it would go away. Or at least look cooler." "dude it's lightning bolt, how much cooler can you get" "idk like a fuckin pentagram or something" "really?" "well no-" "TOO LATE" hahaha aw man, I'd cover that shit too man.** he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! **Im glad harry can tell what shape. Also save him? Like bitch wtf? Ur supposed to be the savior.** then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **kinky. Harry just openly admits what his wet dreams entail, thanks for sharing.**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. **That was quick, did they stop the lake from flooding the slytherin dorm?** Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. **Love me some HAHRID.** They were going to St. Mango's **St. Mango's. yep.** after they recovered cause they were pedofiles **how does that work? Why does that mean they have to go to the hospital?** and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. **Well no, but shouldn't they go to Azkaban?** Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. **Yeah Dumbledore just fucking rammed the camera up his ass where no one would find it. Nice one Dumbledore.** I put up my middle finger at them. **Ok.**

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses. **Did he pull them out of his ass?**

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. **Ignoring the generic 'I hate pink' shite, why is hagrid in a gothic heavy metal band with you if he bullied you for being a weirdo? And if he's a prep, why is he in your band? Once again, Ebony Dark'ness DEMENTIA Raven Way, living up to her name.**

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses." **I mean they look like roses, I've been told a few times they're roses now.**

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. **Yeah we got that already.**

"I saved your life!" **when and how.** He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." **Right, no, ok, paris Hilton had a sex tape. She had sex with someone, you were in a bath and they were spying on you, and they cant sue, they just perved on a minor naked?** Who MASTABATED _(c is dat speld rong)_ **no comment.** to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.  
He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! . **what.**

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. **What.**

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." **Please no.** Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio _(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)_ imo noto okayo!" **it's happening.**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn't a prep. **What.. what am I supposed to say to this sentence. I cant even think of a comment im just laughing. I may need to take up drinking to finish this.**

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" **wtf is drako, yeah my thoughts exactly, what is that.**

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing. **At what point did hagrid say they would show you something?**  
"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes _(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT)_ u mst find urslf 1st, k?" **WHAT LANGUAGE IS THIS?**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back. **Yeah, I don't even know know what to say here. Like. Dumbledore can only reply if he has a headache.**

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!" **that has been well established.**

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. **Who has pictures on their shoes?** I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring _(if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!)_ and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss. **Samara is not a good look, im sorry.**

"You look kawai, girl." **is that racist? I think it is.** B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs _(geddit)_ you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. **well you did answer sadly, so we knew you're upset. WHEN ARE YOU NOT UPSET THOUGH** I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed **every time I read this sentence, I slit my wrists.** and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. **im glad the lake has been cleared out of it.** I went to some classes. **Classes just happen whenever** Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. **Hair of magical magic creatures. Is that like the Hogwarts equivalent of level 2 hair and beauty?** He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. **Right ok.** He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **That is not sanitary**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way. **She literally said "hi back" amazing.**

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **Wow this bitch has no self control.**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" **lmao same that's amazing.** shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else. **Kinky. Also since when did mcgoggle teach this subject?**

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily. **YOU JUMPED ON HIM? WHAT.**

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" **CONVENIENCE.** and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **Again with the red whites.**

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **wait. Am I losing my mind, or did I already read this part? What?**

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SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

 **wait there's different writers? Since when?**

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

 **yeah raven, where is it? Bitch.**

 **Right that's enough brain damage for today, until the next installment, posrs! x**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: holla bitchez, it's me again! Back again with chapter 4. Just to recap: Draco is a vampire, vampires can't be killed except with a 'steak' in the heart, draco slit his wrists (a common theme) and died either way because fuck your rules, everyone's gutted, Enoby flooded the slytherin dorm and killed them all and now 'vampire' has got a vision that draco and voldy are having wild kinky sex, while he was doing the do with enoby in the middle of Hogwart's equivalent to a Level 2 hair and beauty course. Ok we're all caught up, let's fuckin do this.**

 **Enjoy xx**

 _ **Chapter 13.**_

 _AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom!_ **lmao same babez I don't blame you. Although 2006 Gerard was a bit uhm for me, maybe present day version would be better** _PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!_

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Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared. **They somehow found stairs in the middle of the grounds that lead straight to Dumbledore. Yep.**

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there. **If you say Dumbledore twice, he will appear. Someone should have told Harry this in books 5 &6.**

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily. **'despicable snobs' isn't that the movie with the talking yellow butt plugs?**

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice. **In an evil voice. You could have literally just written that he cackled or something, or laughed manically but no.**

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged. **Aye Dumbledore, stop fuckin laughing, mon we've gotta go save my boyfriend even though these two were just fucking in the middle of level 2 hair and beauty.**

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." **yeah, remember when draco raped enoby in chapter 1? Cos everyone but fucking enoby does.** he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." **LMAO someone slipped Dumbledore some veritaserum during dinner. I bet it was mcgonagell, she seems like she'd do it for a laugh.** then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. **i am so confused on who's fucking dating who. Initially it was draco and enoby and then harry and enoby, now draco and harry are a thing again? I mean im not complaining but when did this happen?** _(AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)_ **oh great now we're fetishising gays. How original.**

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. **Ok this is a fucking epidemic CAN SOMEONE GET THIS SHIT LOOKED AT. Also, is harry a vampire? I know he's called vampire because he likes blood but I just assumed he had a fuckin blood kink or something. Did she say he was? I don't remember.** Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed. **Everything we know about harry tells us that his ideas never fucking work out.**

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! **HAS NO ONE READ HOGWARTS: A HISTORY? YOU CAN'T LEAVE HOGWARTS USING MAGIC GOD DAMN IT. I understand hermione's struggle now.**

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!" **totally a real spell**  
It was….. Voldemort! **I mean you're in his 'lair' was that suspense really fucking needed? I'd more surprised if it was Molly Weasley.**

 _ **Chapter 14.**_ _ **  
**_  
 _AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists._ **hahahahahahahahhahaha wow.** _PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!_

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WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. **And yet we were not warned about the rapes, mentions of depression, self harm and suicide. But hey, if it's scary, stick a warning in.**

We ran to where Volcemort was. **Yeah harry conveniently has a map for that too. ALSO IF HARRY COULD JUST FUCKIN DO A SPELL AND END UP WHERE VOLDEMORT WAS, WHY THE FUCK IS HARRY NOT DEAD ALREADY? Like come on, with all the temper issues harry had, if he could magically appear in front of Voldemort he would have tried it numerous times and Voldemort would have killed him in like book 2.** It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. **Better luck next time.** Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. **Hey wormtail's here, waddup my dude. And cedric makes an appearance. Didn't she say in previous chapter that he loved her? Whatever.** Draco was there crying tears of blood. **Really need to get that looked at** Snaketail **is that wormtail's final form or something?** was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail. **And were tortured.**

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" **….. what. What do I say to that? What is there to say? Lets move on.** he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun **who the fuck brings a gun to a wand fight? Also 'we' started shooting? Did you both hold the gun?** he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. **Oh boy.** "EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme." he said. _(in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)_ **so romantic. Also why are we changing wormtail's age? What aspect of him is hot? And if he's magically 16, that takes away the entire complexity of his story and character.**

"Huh?" I asked.  
"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. **He has literally never met this waste of oxygen before in his life, seriously mate, run while you can.**

"What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." I said angrily. **These two have never once established if they were dating or not.** Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain. **Okaaayy.**

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. **He just got stabbed in the heart, bitch he's not moving anywhere.** Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly. **? I thought she hated him? I'm lost.**

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. **He dead as fuck mate.** Then… he started coming! **That is a mental image I really could have gone my whole life without.** We could hear his high heels clacking to us. **Voldemort's trying out for season 10 of RuPaul's Drag Race (shout out to my babe Adore Delano, she's the best).** So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. **No one has mentioned draco at all since they got there. Did they just magically appear, kill wormtail, then pull broomsticks out of their asses and fly away?** We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying. **This bitch cries a lot. Did they rescue draco or not?**

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack _(geddit cuz hes so sexah)_ and a really huge you-know-what and everything. **Apparently they did. And he has a 'sex' pack. He's 17 and something tells me draco doesn't go to the gym. Chances are he's just really skinny. Also at this point in books is draco not described as being extremely sickly looking and skeletal? Cos, you know, his family is being held hostage by Voldemort and he's been forced to join the death eaters. I do love how this bitch is crying her eyes out and he's trying to fuck her, like that's the most accurate portrayal of a 17 year old boy ever.**

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly **you are though.** or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything." **Yes. Every single girl is ugly. Out of the hundreds that attend Hogwarts, only 2 are nice looking. Of course.**

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco. **And now we're slut shaming. The concept of teenage boys not liking sluts has always confused me, cos they usually just want to fuck, so if they know someone else likes to fuck, why would they not want to fuck her? It makes no sense. As a sidenote, sluts are great, virgins are great, everyone's great. To quote nicki minaj "fuck who you want, and fuck who you like" get it gurl. Or don't. whatever makes you happy #nohate.**

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me **since when? Has this been said? I was under the impression harry was gay and in love with draco.** and now even Snaketail is in love with me! **Well wormtail's dead, cos you literally just killed him, so I don't think he should be counted. Also why is this an issue?** I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" **ding ding, I was right, tara meant Satanist as in devil worshipper. SATANISM AND DEVIL WORSHIP ARE VERY DIFFERENT THINGS IM JUST SAYING. Seriously. A quick google search, tells you all you need to know. Also, come on bitch, genetics depict how you look, not a random deity of your choosing.** I shouted angrily. _(an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty)_ **my nan tells me I'm pretty** "Im good at too many things! **Im gonna need examples.** WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" **most do consider vampirism to be a curse.** I shouted and then I ran away. **TO FUCKING WHERE? You were in your room, where else are you going to go damn it!**

 _ **Chapter 15.**_ _ **  
**_  
 _AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz!_ **She's dead as fuck now.** _fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!_

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"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!" **bitch nah, let her go.**

But I was too mad. **I thought she was sad? Why is now mad? Have I missed something?**

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" **why does she keep saying they're having sex? They haven't once in this entire story? ALSO SHE'S THE ONE THAT CHEATED WITH HARRY?!** I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. **you literally just left your room, and draco is in your room. And who has a 'blood red' key?** It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. **What did? Your key?** He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. **Uhm. If draco and harry look like Marilyn Manson, I'm fucking leaving. That's horrifying.** I started to cry and weep. **She does that a LOT.** I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. **She does that a lot too, fuck sake. Does she have super healing? Cos otherwise why has she not fucking cut her arms off?** Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. **Biology. Hogwarts does biology now. They also offer GCSE and A Levels. And class still just happens whenever.**

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. **Hogwarts still has a uniform.** I put my ebony black hair out. **Please stop describing colours with colours.** Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. **Same** I did sum advanced Biology work. **who teaches biology?** I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. **What? What fucking biology class is this? Was she doodling it, is that what she means?** Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco! **Im gonna say no, also that just defies all magical laws.**

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. **Didn't he kill himself like two chapters ago?** I fucking love you!. **When did they ever break up? When did they ever get together?** " Then…. he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" **this song came out in 2004 and has no romantic aspect at all.** (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it **im assuming that ended when draco raped you after** ) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson _(AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!)_ . **how do you get your voice to be gothic? And draco is never going to live that down. Never bet against zabini, is what this fic is telling me. And who the fuck is chester and pierre? How does your voice end up a cross between 5 fucking people, who all have VERY different sounds?**

"OMFG." I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them. **Yeah no fucking wonder they were staring, they're in the middle of fucking biology in HOGWARTS a MAGIC school and draco Malfoy just made a twat out of himself, literally right after running around naked after this crazy bitch.** "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and CMM in a Cinderella Story. **In the middle of an American football game, in California, outside, in the rain? Have you ever been to Scotland?** Then we went away holding hands. **you are in class, no you didn't.** Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. **This is like that tumblr meme "and then everyone started clapping".** Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. **Yeah my chemical romance, that doesn't form until 2001, and from a quick google search, doesn't come to the UK until December 2002 (This fic takes place in 1998, don't forget), conveniently happened to be Hogsmeade RIGHT THEN and you manage to get tickets and go. Right there and then. Man I wish that would happen with me and BIGBANG.**

 _ **Chapter 16.**_ _ **  
**_  
 _AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis!_ **Yeah man, fuck raven.** _BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese!_ **Oh god, is there going to be Japanese im gonna fuckin kill myself.**

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We ran happily to Hogsmede. **They ran the whole way. Fuck draco's flying ford Mondeo.** There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. **you saw the stage from outside, ok.** MCR were there playing 'Helena'. **You've missed like half the concert ffs.** I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. **what. just. what.** I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. **they ran straight from her 'biology' class to this concert. When did she change?** Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. **you know who makes out in the middle of concerts? Dicks. No one wants to see that.** We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. **And got fucked out of the place by security bye.** Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. **Gerard is wearing a mask? Mcr are now a fuckin slipknot tribute band.** So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers! **Death… dealers. Right.**

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them" **wait what? YOU'RE ALREADY THERE AT THE CONCERT? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? Voldemort just fuckin announced he is actually Gerard Way and you're turning on your boyfriend? Like it's his fault?**

"What cause we…you know…" he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what. **I have never met a guy who has been uncomfortable with this.**

"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice. **So now she's finally pissed that he raped her?**

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT." **Wait what. He wont rape her this time cos their mates are coming too.**

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?" **what does an escort have to do with mainstream? And what's a Christina?**

"NO." he muttered loudly.

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily. **Logical reasons to break up with your boyfriend over.**

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me. **Why does draco know like every fucking song by good charlotte? And bitch this is not a fucking musical, stop singing.**

I was flattened **LMAO** cause that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me! **Yeah babe, just for you. Absolutely.**

"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room. **ARE THEY NOT AT A CONCERT? DID I HALLUCINATE THAT ENTIRE SCENE?**

B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese). **What. What the fuck. Bitch what. I can't speak Japanese at all, and im not even going to try, but im going to go ahead and say no, that's not how you say it.** "BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." **Yeah she skipped ONE maths class, adios bitch.** _(an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK!_ _FUK U!)_ **oh dear, looks like someone had a falling out. Also willow was mentioned literally once, in chapter one, and we never heard from her again, so this is not a complete loss.**

"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily. **Bitch, you have gone to exactly two classes, one of them doesn't even exist in Hogwarts.**

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. **Tim Burton is still shite.** "Maybe Willow will die too." I said. **Who else died?**

"Kawai." **Really? Kawaii is your response? Every simpleton knows what kawaii means, how can you use it so wrong.** B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. **i think she means she shook her head energetically (which is terrifying) and lethargically (which is just wrong)** "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak." **Uhm what. What did I just read.**

"Kawai." I commnted happily . **kawaii desu peace emoji** We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie. **You talked in silence. They telepathically communicated the entire time yep.**

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA." **DID THIS NOT ALREADY HAPPEN WHAT.**

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. "Omfg totally lets go shopping." **Jesus she's keen.**

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde. **We still don't have those here and im pretty sure hogsmeade doesn't have one either.**

"No." My head snaped up.

'WHAT?" my head spuin. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?" **your mate doesn't want to go shopping? Definitely a prep. Everyone knows preps hate shopping**

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all." **Uhm. In the arsehole of nowhere? Hogsmeade is the only thing near Hogwarts.**

"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!). **what why? What's wrong with harry? What.** Or me. **"or me" bitch you didn't even know it existed how could you tell her about it?**

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms." **DUMBELDORE told you about some cool gothic stores near Hogwarts? That sounds rape-y. are we gonna get another rape scene?**

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly. **And yet it's in all capitals. Someone is lying to me.**

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go." **What was she doing in his office? Is there a marauder's map of hogsmeade now?**

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. **Yeah cos that's a thing.** The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE **? he was hotter than Gerard but not. Why say it then?** and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs." **The Real Goths™**

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked. **It sounds like a shitty sit com.**

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." **A gothic. Camera. Pouch. I have literally heard it all.** He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera." **Yeah, because the sales assistants know everything about everyone**

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" **this could have been before they spied on you the first time, shush** I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit. **This is a dramatic moment and you're telling me about your outfit.**

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said. **Imagine a sales person saying oh my satan. Also you can't say shit like that in retail, people get really annoyed if you do.**

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary. **Ttly babe.**

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked. **Yeah…. That doesn't happen.**  
"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?" **oh great shes got another middle name. with emphasis.**

"Tom Rid." He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "maybe I'll see you there tonight." **Tom fuckin Rid. Wow. And isn't Tom Riddle naturally black haired?**

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" **he literally just asked if you were going to a concert sit the fuck down.** I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, **you're literally just assuming that.** Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. **Yeah fuckin hagrid bombed in through the window like lets go bitch.** "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!" **Ebondy. Can't wait for this drama.**

 **Author's Note: Alright, we'll leave it on that cliff hanger for now, wonder who's dead this time. I never made it this far in the story so I'll be just as surprised as you guys. Lmao.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: BACK AGAIN W CHAPTER 5 waddup! I can't remember what happened last I think it was wormtail showed up, enoby killed him, they got draco back something something tom riddle showed up at hogwart's equivalent to hot topic and then something about my chemical romance idfk.**

 **Also I made my boyfriend read through this (our phone call lasted 5 hours and 8 minutes, jesus fuck) and he's completely baffled by draco and enoby making out passively in like chapter 2. He also insisted he be mentioned more often cos he's a fuckin loser, but this chapter was already mostly written so tough shit, have to wait for the next one.**

 **ANYWAY, lets get started**

 _ **Chapter 17.**_

 _AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz willo isn't rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr!_

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Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. **No he didn't, he can't do that.** He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual) **that's nice but what does his sexuality have to do with his hobby of doing peoples makeup**? **And him being into fashion doesn't mean he can do makeup, like they're not really connected. I fucking love luxury fashion but I can't do makeup to save my life.** Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. "WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "Fuck off you fjucking bastard." **Wasn't it like really important she go back to Hogwarts? Bitch wyd?** Well anyway Willow came **I thought willow was expelled and murdered by B'Loody Mary Smith? She's a ghost now**. Hargird went away angrily.

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said. **Willow's back from the dead to tell you that you look cute.**

"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything. **So Tara's trying to make up w raven by kissing her ass in fiction, nice.** She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. **That's nice.** She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic. **UHM. Wtf? Bit offensive.**

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked. **Did they not already go to the concert? Did I hallucinate that entire scene last chapter?**

"Yah." I said happily.

"I'm gong with Diabolo." she anserred happily. **I'm honestly surprised she didn't say cedric or fuckin draco's dad.** Well anyway Draco and Diabolo **that is still a form of juggling.** came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. **That's lovely. I don't care.** Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. **Ow the edge.** He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson. **Gross.** Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower. **Warped tour was not a big thing in the UK until early 2000's, soz.** B'loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. **Bloody mart and Dracola. Again with kiddie show names. Can't wait to find out who the fuck dracola is.** Dracola used to be called Navel **… Navel.** but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. **WAS THERE A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER GOING ROUND WHEN THESE PEOPLE WERE BABIES? Why is everyone being kidnapped at birth? Why is everyone's parents vampires? To my knowledge vampires are not wildly accepted in wizarding society, bit like werewolves.** They dyed in a car crash. **So despite the only way you can kill vampires being 'steaks' these two died in a car crash. If they were wizards, why were they in a car?** Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. **hooo boy.** He was in Slitherin now. **Again, are the houses now discriminating against religions?** He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. **Can everyone stop having gross streaks in their hair? Streaks died in the early noughties, please let them stay there/** We kall him Dracula now. **That's great.** Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik) **no? does any of that make sense? And no, im sorry but draco's drives a 1995 Ford Mondeo. I'M NOT LETTING THAT GO.** that his dad Lucian gave him. **Lucian. Right.** We did pot, coke and crak. **Jesus fucking Christ. How are they not fucking dead? Where di you get all that shit anyway?** Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. We soon got there….I gapsed. **Amazing.**

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. **Spot the fake mcr fan that only knows 1 song. I'm not even a fan of my chemical romance, and im pretty sure I could rhyme off more songs than this bitch.** Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. **Again with mcr being a slipknot tribute band. Also I swear I've read this part before.** So did the other membez. **And she doesn't even know the members names, off the top of my head I think it's Gerard way, his brother mikey, frank iero, ray toro and at the time they had their drummer bob something who turned out to be a dick or something.** I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. **So you just randomly had orgasms in the middle of this, ok.** It was….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers! **Yeah I've definitely read this before.**

"U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. **Angstily. What a word.** "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now….I shall kill thou and Draco!" **draco already fucking died though, remember?**

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife. **Voldemort carries a knife, yep. Fuck wands.**

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' **what.** on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…DUMBLYDORE! **Oh great, now Dumbledore's goffik. I'm gonna fuckin kill myself.**

 _ **Chapter 18.**_

 _AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep! fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der!_ **He swore? When? 4 chapters ago?** __

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I woke up the next day in my coffin. **Oh ok, we're just gonna skip over the events of the last chapter, that's fine.** I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it. **Again that's really tacky and I'm not sure it's possible? For a belly piercing? Whatever.**

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull _(geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth)_. **yeeaaahhhh sure ok sweetie. It's still wrong af.** Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. **The broom-stuff. Well.** There was lace all over it. **That's just not practical.** Draco had a black MCR boom. **yeah my chemical romance has broomstick merchandise.** We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.) **I know what? A séance? A roast dinner? What? And can we please just let Linkin Park die thanks.**

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. **Yeah it's a massive cheese grater.** There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. **That's so gross.** But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. **Wtf? When was the hall black pink? Is the entire aesthetic of Hogwarts not quite goth-y on it's own? Like it's an old fashioned castle with ghosts?** And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys. **I though Ashlee Simpson was a solo artist? And don't be hating on Backstreet Boys alright, they have some bops.**

"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. **Does she always scream random shit in the great hall? That sounds exhausting.** B'loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi. **What do I even say to any of this? Can you honestly imagine Harry Potter, Nevile Longbottom, Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger sitting in the great hall playing fuck, marry, kill about my chemical romance and green day? While wearing basically all black and really gross clothes? My head hurts.**

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. **And everything. She's really descriptive.** He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. **Yeah we go that.** He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black. **Again we got the black hair thing.**

"….DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped. **Didn't enoby and draco already know it was Dumbledore though. Can't wait to see what his fucking weird ass nickname is going to be.**  
"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!" **HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAAHAHHAHAHHA.**

"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?" **Yeah Dumbledore just fucked black paint everywhere in the great hall at 3am. Mcgonagall thought he was drunk.**

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. **I'm confused why are they cheering if they're preppy?** Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1. **what the hell? Is there like an initiation ceremony to become a fucking goth? Who decides who's a poser and who's not?**

"BTW you can call me Albert." HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes. **Alright WHERE did that name come from?**

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way _(geddit, way lik Gerard)_ but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted.

I was so fucking angry. **For all their shouting and roaring about posers, preps and gothics, I forget that these shitheads are meant to be 17. Now I get that 17 y/o are not mature (duh, im not that much older), but this is taking the piss now like. No one cares about this shit at that age.**

 _ **Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise**_ **OH, chapter names are making a comeback. Is someone going to have a bad reaction to peanuts?**

 _AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11_ **I'm gonna need google translate for that.** __

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All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert. It had been postphoned, so we could all go. **HOW MANY TIMES IS THIS BITCH GONNA GO SEE MCR? For fucks sake this is the third time! Did they fuckin move in or something?**

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Draco was being all secretive. **Oh great, that totally came out of nowhere, HERE COMES THE DRAMA BITCHES.**

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot). **W h a t. And can we stop with the fetishizing please? I am bisexual and it's making me really uncomfortable.**

"No one fucking understands me!1" he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. **This is so stereotypically 13 year old bullshit, like come on bitch, chances are you're average as fuck.** He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. _(geddit insted of tie koz im goffik)_ I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. _(email me if u wana see da pik_ _)_ **I love how her boyfriend is really fucking upset (lmao) and she's describing their outfits.**

"Accuse me? What about me!" I growled. **Accuse me. Nice. And this was me everytime one of my friends went on their teenage angst marathons – "no1 understand me!11!one!" like bitch shut the fuck up with that shite, just open ur mouth to ur mates.**

"Buy-but-but-" he grunted. **Grunted. Gross. My mind never goes to nice places when I think of grunting.**

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned. **Its sort of like a really shitty hate sex scene. Like moaned is not the best word to use here.**

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted. **Wait, what? Wtf?**

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. **Bitch what did you hear? I'm reading this and I'm lost.** I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces **down your WHAT.** like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois _(raven that is soo our video!)_. I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot. **Yeah she just pulled some green out of her arsehole and started sparking up in the bathroom.**

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated. **Hagrid just magically appeared out of nowhere, in the slytherin dorms and came every where. That's hot. YOU CAN'T APPARATE IN HOGWARTS DAMN IT.**

"You gave me a fucking shock!" **shame you didn't die from it.** I shouted angrily dropping my pot. **Yeah, she smashed her vase gutted.** "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?" **idk, ask your boyfriend in the next room.**

Only it wasn't just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore. **I love how she didn't notice this whole time, and even had time to wish it was someone else. Also when she saw tom riddle she cursed him out for asking if he was going to a concert.**

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse. "What are u wearing to the concert?" **LMAO Dumbledore just shows up in this bitch's bathroom like "oohhh guurrrrlll watchu wearin, cos I don't want us to show up in the same outfit, that'd be totes awky momo!"**

"U no who MCR r!" I gasped. **I mean, he did show up at the concert to save you from Voldemort, ur welcome bitch.**

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u." **what. Dumbledore's down with the kidz yo.**

 _ **Chapter 20.**_

 _AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz._

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All day I wondered what the surprise was. **Is draco not right outside your room? Why do you have to wait all day for it?** Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots. MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. **THIS. IS. THE FOURTH. FUCKING TIME.** I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. **I am so excited I'm going to slit my wrists! YAY!** Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. **Is she not already dressed?** I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again. **Damn this bitch horny af.**

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! "R u gonna cum rape me or what." I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo. **And yet they are still employed as teachers. Amazing. Definitely the late 90's then.**

"No, actshelly _(geddit, hell)_ **what, no?** kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily. **Loopin came all the way down to the slytherin dorms, to YOUR ROOM, to ask for condoms. Bitch what?**

"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarkastikally. **Sarkastikally.**

"Fuker." He said, gong away. **Gong hahaha. He didn't say no though.**

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. **Boke** Then I went. Den I gasped….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1 **oh cool dobby's here. But like really? They do have their own offices n shite, they can do it in private. Not randomly in the slytherin dorms.**

"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. **Hahahahahaha, yeah cos it's her fault you guys did it here, and she walked in.** Dobby ran away crying. **Why?** Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) **that's really gross, stop fetishizing.** but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now) **LMAO WHAT. I'm sure snape is loving that.**

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. _(c I speld dat)_ **why is she saying it sadistically?**

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin shouted angrily. **You are a grown man, and a wizard. Conjure them, dumbass. Or go buy them.**

"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed. **In fairness, yeah.**

"You dimwit!." Snake began 2 shoot angrily. And then…I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything. **How the tables have turned.**

"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. "What was dat al about?" **fuck off, like you two didn't do the same to her.**

"It wuz to blackmail u." I snarked. "So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork. **Wait, when did they blackmail her? And also in the wizarding world, enoby and draco are legal adults, so Dumbledore can't do shit even if snap and loopin did tout.** So fuck off, u bastards!" I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it. **She threw her what at them?** Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot. **I can't decide if she hates him or not tbh. She always goes on about how hot he is, and then she's cursing him out for being her boyfriend's ex.**  
"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him.

"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?" **bye draco lmao.**

Then….. he showed me his flying car. I gasped. It was a black car. **That doesn't automatically make it cool. Bet it's a citroen saxo 1998.** He said his dogfather **HAHAAHAAHHAHHAHAHAAHAH, idk if that's a pun or not but that's brilliant.** Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it. **That's… creepy.**

….I gasped.

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing. **For the fourth time, goody.**

Vampire and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. **Again, what the fuck? Is harry not gay? Or is he bisexual like everyone else? And then she bitches about draco having dated him but says nothing having slept with him before and is now making out with him at this bullshit concert.** I gapsed, looking at da band. **Yeah fuck making out with a 'hot' guy, my chemical romance is here.**

I almost had an orgasim. **Same lmao.** Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing 'Helena' **again, really.** and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner. **Draco went all the way to the my chemical romance concert to cry in the corner.**

 _ **Chapter 21.**_

 _AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed!_ **What.** __

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Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying in da common room. "Draco are u okay?" I asked in a gothic voice. **Bitch he just saw you making out with his ex boyfriend, does he fucking look ok?**

"No I'm not u fuking bitch!" he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. **me always tbh** I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide. **He already did that though.**

"Its ok Enoby." said Vampire comfortly. "Ill make him feel better." **Winky face winky face winky face.**

"U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" **yep hahaha** I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too. **Threesome!**

"Draco please come!" he began to cry. **Drarry is my otp!111!1** Tears of blood came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. **Enoby, this is really not a good time** (if ur a homophone den fuk of!) **and you're not?**

And then….. we herd sum footsteps! Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke. **Yeah harry got out a bag of coke and they all got a line each party.** We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand. **Mrs Norris is now human.**

"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Filth **the most accurate rename ever.** come. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris.

"No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" **you're trying to be quiet and you speak? Do you have like 0 brain cells?** Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way.

"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. "Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked. Filth nodded. **The cat nodded, amazing.** And then….Vampir frenched me! **Really harry? Really not the time.** He did it jus as….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1

"WHAT DA-" he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. **So they're in the middle of making out in her bathroom and then immediately sprinted away from him. What the fuck is this?** And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz **he was crying and bursting into tears. And shout out to draco doing this right outside where they can conveniently see.** and slitting his rists outside of da school. **Uhm. Just standing in the middle of the fucking school and slitting his wrists ok, that's fine.**

"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?" **yeah he's just fuckin dandy, thanks for asking.**

"I guess though." Draco weeped. **He's randomly crying and slitting his wrists in public. How is this fine.** We went back to our coffins frenching each other. **Again, how does that work? And now draco has a coffin too? What's wrong with a normal bed? The beds in Hogwarts are meant to be comfy af.** Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid _(c isnt da deprezzin)_ **I have never heard of this movie so I have no idea. (UPDATE it's a movie about a giant crocodile, great)** on the gothic red bed together. **I thought you were in coffins? Can you get double coffins? Whatever.** As I wuz about 2 put in the video, **were you not already watching it though?** my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. **Oh wow that's great.** There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1 **yes, the department of mysteries is now an embodiment, great. And they knocked on YOUR door and yet walked into the school? And what was the point of you telling us you had a vision if you're not gonna elaborate damn it!**

 **Author's Note: We're gonna leave it on this cliffhanger for today adios posrs. xx**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: Back again with chapter 6, what's up! I am very sorry for leaving this for so long but no time/no motivation is not a good combination. I have 309383490853 corrections for assignments and then still have assignments to finish and ugh. A week or two more and updates will be frequent again after this.**

 **I'd do a recap but I can't remember what the fuck happened last chapter.**

 **Enjoy xx**

 _ **Chapter 22.**_

 _AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven's folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1_ **I can't tell if they're friends again or not but tbh I really don't care.** __

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All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. **By any chance did Harry come up with that nickname?** Well anyway, I woke up the next day. **Shame.** I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas. Then I gasped. **Did she gasp because she didn't know she was wearing pyjamas?**

Standing in front of me where…. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow! **So they were all just standing there staring at your closed coffin? Cos that's not creepy at all.**

I opened my crimson eyes. Willow was wearing a tight black leather top **oh jesus Christ, tell me shes not going to give me a description of everyone's outfit I will actually die of old age by the time she's done.** with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said 'bich' and other swear words **ow the edge.** and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. Darkness (who is Jenny) **who the fuck is jenny? Who the fuck is darkness? When did they get here?** was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle. **Uhm why.** It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. **OF COURSE THEY WERE. Also do they all have the same dad? Lmao awkward.** He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. **Thought vampires couldn't die from this?** He had raped them and stuff before too. **Family bonding time.** They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism. **Fucking really.**

"OMFG" I yielded as I jumped up. "Why the fuck are u all here?" **I'm so glad she told me everyone's outfit, the backstory of 4 characters AND THEN got freaked out by all these people standing there.**

"Enoby something is really fucked up." Draco said. **Where the fuck do we begin?**

"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily.

"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice. **Jesus Christ. I would actually break up w my boyfriend on the spot if he ever said this what the fuck. "we have to go now" yeah we all just crowded into your room to stare at your coffin while you slept but now that you're actually awake we gotta bounce lmao bye.**

"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective." **Suddenly, she's calm. Also "erective" what. What does that mean? Does she mean secretive?**

"I will I will." he said.

So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. Then I came. **She came from looking at her makeup. Now that's self love.** We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow. **Yeah we all walked into the great hall, walked over to a window and just stared out of it. Not weird at all.** A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her. **Can you imagine a group of goths simultaneously sticking up their middle fingers at some poor girl while they all gawked out of a window? That's fucking sinister af.** Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. **Wait, are are outside the great hall or in it?** Cornelia Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too. **Genderswapped Fudge, lovely.**

"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!" **uhm why?**

"THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge. **Uhm?**

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!" **YOUR ALZHEIMER'S IS DANGEROUS HAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. "you must retry" yeah Dumbledore, reload from your last save point mate and try again.**

"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…..Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way." **Yeah, fuck you Harry.**

Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other…I gasped. **She really needs to stop doing that.**

 _ **Chapter 23.**_

 _AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha!_ **She got 10000 reviews. I'm sure they were all positive too.** __

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The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us. **Are you inside or outside the great hall? I am so confused on positioning right now.**

"MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!" **genderswapped Enoby.** Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her. **Yeah he just blasted noise at Umbridge.**

"Oops she made a mistake!" he corrupted her. "She means hi everybody cum in!" **hahahahahaha, brilliant.**

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. **Yeah they were all just standing outside look at these fucking weirdo goth kids gawking in the windows of the great hall. Every single one.** I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B'loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. **Same.** They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo. **Oh jesus Christ is ville valo still a thing?** **UPDATE I googled it and yeah HIM has announced they're disbanding, adios. Never liked their music.** I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup. **We still don't have that cereal and that's still really gross.** Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was…Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother. **Yeah Harry and Draco are re-enacting Columbine.**

"Vampire, Draco WTF?" I asked. **Yeah guys, school shootings are kind of annoying now.**

"You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1" **UHM. He want's to SHIT next to you? Yeah no sorry that's really fucking gross, run like fuck enoby.**

"No I do!" shouted.

"No she doesn't fucking like u, you son of a bitch!" yelled Draco. **Are they actually debating on who gets to sit next to enoby and take a shit in her fuckin cheerios?**

"No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!" shouted Vampire. **I thought harry was gay and in love with draco, why is this an argument?** And then… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv) They started to fight and beat up each other. **Lovely. Do Dylan and Eric not turn the guns on themselves in the end?**

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn't stop. All of a sudden… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose and was wearing a gray robe. **Yes we get it, Voldemort had really dodgy plastic surgery, it's not nice to bring up these things all the time.** All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. Britney that fucking prep started to cry. **Why is she being mentioned?** Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating **love how she was just eating her cereal while watching harry and draco have a scrap on the floor.** ….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent….Volzemort! **again we got that.**

"Eboby…..Ebony…." Darth Valer **who the fuck is that** sed evilly in his raspy voice. "Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!" **yeah bitch you got 10 seconds to murder harry with a spoon, go.**

"Plz don't make me kill him plz!" I begged.

"No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling. **Was he not just about to kill her and harry?**

I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me. **They came to what. just pick the bitch up, roll her into a ball and mail her away.** Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. **No one's eyes look good like that, shush.** I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way. **To be fair, if Draco's already slitting his wrists, what's actually gonna happen is Voldemort is just going to watch him slit his wrists like "don't forget, it's sideways for attention, up and down for results, bitch"**  
"No!" I screamed sexily. **? not relevant?** Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

"Ebony Ebony aure you alright?" asked Draco in a worried voice. **Aye she's grand.**

"Yeah yeah." I said sadly as I got up.

"Everyfing's all right Enoby." said Vampire all sensetive. **Pfft, what a pussy.**

"No its not!" I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. **PLEASE CAN SOMEONE LOOK AT THAT.** "OMFG what if I'm getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!" **nice.**

"Its ok gurl." said B'loody Mary. "Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though." **Why? Is this meant to be sinistra? Cos she teaches astronomy if I remember right.**

"Ok bich." I said sadly and den we went. **Don't be fucking rude, jesus.**

_**Chapter 24.**_

 _AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 raven fagz 4 di help!_

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Well we had Deviation next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry about the visions. **I'm pretty sure deviation is the more accurate name for that lesson to be fair.**

"Konnichiwa everybody come in." said Proffesor Sinister in Japanese. **I sighed so hard my lungs burst.** She smelled at me **your teacher walked up and sniffed you, that's not weird at all.** with her gothic black lipstick. She's da coolest fucking teacher ever. She had long dead black hair **she had long dead hair, that's disgusting.** with blood red tips and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire. She's also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. she n b'loody mry get along grate **I'm loving this low key racism** ) She's really young for a teacher. 2day she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress. **Not appropriate for a teacher** We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong **who the fuck is that?**. I raced my hand. I was wearing some black naie Polish with red pentagrams on it. **Ugggggggggggggggh really.**

"What is it Ebony?" she asked. "Hey I love ur nail polish where'd u get it, Hot Topik?" **yes, where did you get your nail polish that comes with complete pentagram designs? Teachers don't ask this until they have finished teaching.**

"Yeah." I answered. All the preps who didn't know what HT was gave me weird looks. **Everyone knows what hot topic is, shut up.** I gave them the middle finger. "Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?" **literally wait until after class, I hate people that fucking do this. Other people want to get on with their shit.**

"Ho about now?" she asked. **In reality, "after class"**

"OK." I said.

"OK class fucking dismissed every1." Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go. **nah bitch.** "Except for you Britney." she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. "Please do exorcize (geddit) 1 on page 3." **Wow this bitch is getting fired pronto.**

"OK I'm having lotz of visions." I said in a worried voice. I'm so worried is Draco gong 2 die. **You had one, shut the fuck up.**

Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it. **That's not practical for a crystal ball.**

"What do you c?" she asked.

"I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram." **Of course, why am I not surprised.**

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes. **Congress makes shoes now, yep.**

"Okay you can go now, see ya cunt." said Proffesor Sinister. **Really not appropriate, especially since these people are 17. I am 19, going on 20, and my teachers don't talk like this, it's not professional.**

"Bye bitch." I said waving. **? no.**

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited. **Why are you leaving? I thought Sinistra was going to tell you about your visions? Why are you going somewhere with draco and harry that you apparently already know about?**

 _ **Chapter 25.**_

 _AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111_ **lovely.** _FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1_

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I was so excited. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again. We went outside and then we went into Draco's black car. **Isn't harry with them?**

"Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say." whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine. **That doesn't sound vaguely threatening at all. And was it not Sinistra?**

"She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow." **No she didn't, you just walked out.** I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. **Alright, I don't do the ~illegals~ so im just gonna go ahead and say, no that's wrong,** He started to fly the car into a tree. **UHM WHAT THE FUCK?! HE'S TRYING TO KILL YOU BOTH.** We went to the top of it. **NO YOU DIDN'T YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD COS HE JUST SMASHED YOU BOTH INTO A TREE.** Draco put on some MCR. **Well im glad the fucking stereo works during this moment when you've become one with a tree.**  
"And all the things that you never ever told me  
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me." sang Gerard's sexy voice. We started tiling of each other's cloves fevently. **Did she say we started peeling cloves? That's a weird hobby.** He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. **Again with the chaffing. Also are they gonna buck on a tree?** I took of his black boxers. Then… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. **This is so sexy, I'm almost orgasming just at the thought alone.**

"OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. **IT'S BACK OH MY GOD.** Suddenly… I fell asleep. **Wow, is he that shit in bed?** I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair. **MORE RACISM YAY.**

"No! Please don't fucking kill us!1" they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car. **He ran away in a car, is this the Flintstones? Lmao I can imagine that so vividly.**

"No! Oh my fucking god!11" I shouted in a scared voice.

"Ebony what's wrong?" Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes. **Bitch you just passed out while doing the do.**

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. **please get that looked at.** I told Draco to call Vampire. **Why?** He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. **That's cringy.** Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where… Lucian and Serious!111 **remember when Lucius and Sirius were best mates? Me too.**

 _ **Chapter 26.**_

 _AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11_ **I mean you kind of were like.** __

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A few mutates **she spent 5 minutes mutating into random forms. Draco just thought he was having a really bad acid trip.** later Vampire came 2 da tree. **Why are we all hanging out in a fucking tree? Are you telling me the forbidden forest has tree houses now?** He was wearing a blak leather jackson, black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt. **Still gross. And Hogwarts still has a uniform.**

"Hi Vampire." I said flirtily as I started to sob. **That's very contradictory. Also why are you flirting with him, I thought you hated the guy? AND YOUR BOYFRIEND IS RIGHT THERE.** Draco hugged me sexily **how do you hug your crying girlfriend sexily? Hang on I'll ask my boyfriend. RIGHT this is his response: "how I'd make it sexy is I'd wear some fancy af sexy lingerie because I'm sexy and I'm hugging you so then you get a sexy hug" comedy gold right there, I love him.** tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened. **Please go see your GP, thanks.**

"Oh fuck it!" Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly. "What fucking dick did that!" **wait, is it a thing that happened? Did she see it as it was happening or was it happening in the future? What is the ongoing plot to this story I swear to god.**

"I don't know." I said. "Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor." **That is definitely a first for enoby, I figured she wouldn't want to tell him since he's a posr prep or whatever the fuck she's calling them.**

We ran out of the tree and in2 da castle. Dumblydor was sitting in his office. **I thought it was near impossible to get into his office. Imagine this bitch having to guess wizard sweets trying to guess the password to get in. She probably would have made the password something like "Beyonce rulez" or something.**

"Sire are dads have been shot!" **right, Lucius is his da, but since when the fuck did Sirius have a child? Oh fuck don't tell me it's Enoby I will commit.** Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. **Everyone in the room stood around draco and wiped his face while he cried. That's not weird at all.** "Enoby had a vision in a dreem." **You coulda just said she had a vision like. You basically just admitted that she fell asleep in the middle of some pretty disappointing sex. Self roast.**

Dubleodre started to cockle. **He started to what. I looked up cockle and the closet thing relevant to this is "Berwick cockles" a Scottish mint. Nice. Dumbledore clearly gives a shit about this.** "Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?" **lmao Dumbledore is me, he's on to this bitch.**

I glared at Dumbledore. **Hahaha she's just mad she got caught out.**

"Look motherfucker." **OH SHIT.** he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped _(c is da toot of crakter_ **what the hell does this say?** _)_. "U know very well that I'm not decisional. **Is this not "he said" I thought draco or harry was speaking.** Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!" **bitch, come on now, Dumbledore ain't the fuckin Minister of Magic aight, you can't expect him to do this shit. Like obviously he can, but you don't walk up to Dumbledore and demand this shit, especially over a dream.**

"Okay." he said in a intimated voice. "Were are they?" **yes the most powerful wizard in the world is afraid of these 3 dicks. Enoby's defensive spell is throwing Hermione's cat at things, we don't know much about Draco's magical ability other than he's not as good as Harry, and Harry's fuckin shite, he can do like one powerful spell that is useless in this moment.**

I fought about it. Then all of a sudden….. "Longdon." **Longdon. The capital of the UK is… Longdon. Amazing.** I said. I told him which street. **Uh huh.** He went and called some people and did some stuff. **The best summary of what Dumbledore does ever.** After a few mistunes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. **Bitchin.** After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found. Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. **Oh it's alright they've been found, don't care how they are, adios.** I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office **I thought she said they were going to their rooms?** while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room. **LMAO ME. "bye guys, just gonna go slit my wrists in my room"** We looked at each other's gothic, derperessed eyes. **Lovely.** Then, we kissed. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers **making out in the nurses office after Lucius and Sirius have been shot but yolo lets make out.** ….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1 **why is that suspenseful? What?**

 _ **Chapter 27. vampirz wil never hurt u**_ **and we're back with chapter names YAY. Bet Harry does something really annoying in this chapter.**

 _AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111_ **same boo.** __

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Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- **tumblr meme "and everyone started clapping" is back again.** I had saved them. **Uhm no, you had a vision about them being shot, there's still a chance they could be very dead.** Drako, Lucian, Serious bond Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine. **I love how these two had to be brought in on stretchers after being shot but they're fuckin grand to stand up and give Enoby a hug, despite not knowing this girl, because she had a dream about them.**

"Cum on Enoby." said Proffesor Sinatra. She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it **uhm.** and fuking black platinum boots. "I have to tell you the fucking perdition." **Jesus, unnecessary cursing much? And this is coming from me.**

I locked at Lucian, Serifs, Drake and Vampire. They nodded. **SERIFS. LMAO, SOMEONE IS LITERALLY A FUCKING FONT, AMAZING.**

I smelled happily **you smelled happy? Ok? You can smell emotions now?** and went into a dark room. **Not creepy at all.** I had changed **?** Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball. **She pulled out some cards and started looking into a ball? Is there a reason for this?** She said… "Tara, I see drak times are near." **Wrong name boo.** She said badly. **Badly? How can she say it badly? Is she just learning English or something?** She peered into da balls. "You see, you must go back in time." **Oh boy, cant wait to see the reasoning behind this.** She took out a Time-Toner like B'loody Mary had. "When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. **Yeah someone broke his fireplace and he never got over it.** Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?" **probably like. Is Voldemort not incapable of love? Isn't that why he gets killed by Harry?** I shook my head. "U must go back in time and sedouce him. **This bitch just watched Chamber of Secrets and realised what a fucking babe Tom Riddle is. I don't blame you girl.** It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. **Would it not make sense to go back and kill him instead of gambling whether or not Tom Riddle, who is smokin af, wants to buck this wee tramp from the future who is bipolar as fuck?** You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it."

"Okay." I said sadly. **Sadly. SADLY. HAVE U SEEN TOM RIDDLE? BYE BYE DRACO.** We did dethz tuch sin. **Google translate.** I went outside again sadly. **This bitch does everything sadly. Fuckin same boo.**

"What fucking happened?" asked Draco and Vampire.

"Yeah what happened?" asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary? **Boldy mary. And when did these bitches get here?**

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. **? you were going to tell them but they were there? What?** They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond. **Yeah, Lucius and Sirius are fond of each other now, it's a fuckin miracle.** Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. **Bitch no. No one is proud of you.** They were cheesing my name **cheesing.** and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. **Why the fuck is there reporters and why are they trying to interview Dumbledore? It's not that big of a deal that Lucius and Sirius are mates now, fuck sake.** A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. **If they've never heard of HIM, why are they drawing the heartagram on their hands? Shut the fuck up. Although I will applaud this bitch knowing who HIM are, they're pretty damn obscure for 13 year olds.** Even Mr. Noris looked happy. **Yeah the cat was buzzin.** A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley's Whizard Wises. **All this cos she fell asleep during some shitty sex. Amazing.**

I put on my Invisibility coke with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether. **WOOT threesome!**

 **FIN.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's note: "updates will be regular in a week or two" I said. A month ago. Lmao. I've finished College for the year at last so I really am free now but I can't promise regular updates because I am lazy a k.**

 **ANYWAY, I think we left off with Enoby being racist, Sirius and Lucius are BFF's and Enoby has to go back in time and seduce Voldemort LMAO.**

 **Enjoy xx**

 _ **Chapter 28.**_

 _AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen profsor relory sed dat ok!11111111_ **what. did I miss a chapter or is she hallucinating scenes again?** _GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi!1111111_ **who the fuck is fily and why is raven friends with a fruit?** __

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_  
We went in2 a blak room. **The what room? What room is this?** The wallz were blak **Y'know, I figured this when she said the black room cos we all know this bitch is not creative except when it comes to describing her wish list on Hot Topic.** with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason all over them. **Are these three not very different genres? I mean I can see Marilyn Manson being a 'gothic' artist but My Chemical Romance is more 13 year old edgy wee girls and Good Charlotte are just fuckin shite. I actually just got an ad for Good Charlotte today, they're having a UK tour. Again, I forgot they were even a thing… and so has everyone else.** A big black coffin was in the middle. **Amazing.** Red vevlet lined da blak box. **Is it visible from the outside or is she doing that thing again where she magically knows things without actually seeing them?** There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. **I'm pretty sure that's violating a couple health and safety rules.** I wuz wearing a blak corset bar wif purple stuff on it, fishnet suckings and a blak leather thong underneath. **Ow? Leather bras are one thing but leather thongs? I'm sore thinking about that.**

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. **I'm not sure what that word means. Isn't it like.. sharing something with a lot of people? Like to disperse something? Hang on I'll google it. "Disperse – distribute or spread over a wide area" yeah I was right. Wrong word babe. She probably meant 'depressingly' #descriptive.** So did Drako and Vampire. **And then they all held hands and sang Kumbaya, My Lord.**

"Are you okay?" Vampir asked potting his albastard hand on mine. **I just thought of like a corpse touching her and now I'm grossed out.** He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it. **Thank you for telling me all about how you both got your nails done earlier, I would be lost elsewise.**

"Yah I guess." I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. **How do you put your hand on someone else's 'sexily'? I'll ask the boyfriend. "I'd say slow and softly but that's creeping towards rapey and obviously not WWE Smackdown hard. Try to find that sweet middle. Maybe wrap a bow tie around your wrist because that makes you look slick as fuck" hysterical. "idk im not a very sexy guy, I usually show up with a pizza and go from there" protip this works everytime. Take notes Draco** I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. **Does your lipstick control your emotions? Does she have some magic lipstick that changes colour with your mood? Because that's amazing, I want some.** "The problem is….I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time" **Was the suspense necessary? Also have you seen what teenage Voldemort looks like? Motherfucker I would be throwing a party.**

Draco started to cry sadly. **Of course he did.** Vampire hugged him.

"Itz okay Eboby." he said finally. "But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?" **I can just imagine Enoby and Harry sitting in awkward silence while Draco cried like a bitch, waiting on his answer.**

"Of coarse not!" I gasped. **Have these two even established if they're in a relationship? Or have I just repressed that scene?**

"Really?" he asked.

"Sure." I said.

We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly. **That's just… really weird tbh.**

Then… I took off Draco's MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. **Oh god they're not gonna fuck in front of Harry are they? That's just really inappropriate.** He was hung lik a stallone. **Does Sylvester Stallone have a big dick? I don't really wanna research that. To quote the boyfriend "he's built like a tank but idk about downstairs"** He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. **That's convenient.** Black roses were around it. **Tacky.** I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. **Please no.** Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4). **So this was planned in advance? Did he just carry around a camera in case you and Draco spontaneously decide to have sex in front of him?**

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif. **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH im getting this tattooed bye.**

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. **Is Harry gonna squeeze in there too?** He put his spock **WHY IS HE INSERTING LEONARD NIMOY INTO YOU?** in my you-know-what and passively we did it. **Passively returns yet again as unbelievably the wrong word.**

"I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u." **is he not inside you right now?** he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. **Aren't you in a coffin?** Suddenly….

"WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!"

It was….Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111 **Nice, orgy time. Also why are these two hanging out?**

 _ **Chapter 29.**_

 _AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111_

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"Oh my satan!1" **oh. My. Satan. That shit's just exhausting to say tbh** we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. **Did they all say it at the same time? Is this a pantomime?** Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily. **School shooter twist, this time the teachers are getting their go.**

"CUM NOW!1!" Preacher McGongel yielded. **Suddenly we're in catholic school? Or is Mcgonagall a dominatrix with a massive priest kink?** We did guiltily. **They came on command. Guess they have a humiliation kink, who knew.** We left the room putting on our clothes. **Walk of shame.** Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket. **Yeah snoop dogg showed up and stroked the last of the Celebrations chocolates. What a cunt.**

"Hey what the fuck!111" Vampire shooted angrily. **Oh yeah this was his time to let his voyeurism out.**

"Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?" **"buster" amazing. The last person I have ever heard use this term was my 70 year old history teacher about 8 years ago.** Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. **thats really weird. And if he's trying to be threatening towards snape, it might help if he wasn't make heart eyes at you, for fucks sake.** "Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret **? what secret? This was no secret? Everyone fucking knows? Dumbledore was like the first person to seem them fuck (read: rape) so how is this a secret?** and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango's. **The magical school for fruits. Sounds vaguely homophobic.** So give back da camera!1111" **Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought anything that was electronic didn't work around magic? Like I know Colin Creevy had a camera but it was magical (?) or at least wasn't electronic, so I don't understand how these people are getting video cameras to work?**

Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly. **This is true but most people don't think this so they generally listen to Dumbledore, because a lot of people believe him about most things.**

"Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!" yelled Proffesor McGoggle. She made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it. Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive _(geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111)_. **I'm just wildly confused by this entire paragraph. What the fuck does sexitive mean? Is she making a play on sensitive and sexy? Cos that's wrong on so many levels. And doesn't she want to be related to Gerard Way? Because she has an incest kink?**

I started to cry tearz of blood _(it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1)_. **still no, get that looked at.** Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes. **Harry's everyone's nan who keeps tissues tucked up their sleeves.**

And then….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. **Yeah… no.** They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand. **Remember the first half of this story where there was no mentions of wands at all? And now we're getting guns AND wand fights. Amazing. Who brings a gun to a wand fight anyway?**

"Crosio!" I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. **What.** I STOPPED DA CURSE. **Aggressive** Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Den she said "OK Serverus I'm going 2 go now." She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry. **What the fuck is going on.**

"It's ok Enoby." said Draco. "Evergreen will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Snake." **Don't think that's gonna help much right now considering you're all chained up.**

Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111 **oh my god I don't think I want to know where this is going.**

_**Chapter 30.**_

 _AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111 so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux._ **What the fuck? What the fuck.** _fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111_

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"No!11" we screamed sadly. **I don't think I wanna read this BDSM scene, like at all.** Snap stated loafing meanly. **He… started baking bread? Bit random but ok.** He took out a kamera anvilly. **WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE CAMERAS. YOU ARE FUCKING WIZARDS MY DUDES. And how do u take out a camera evilly? Like a slow motion reveal or something? Idk.** Then… he came tords Darko!1! **Everytime she fucks up Draco's name so bad. Fucking wild. Also I have read Draco/Snape fanfic and I don't ever want to go back there.** He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle. **What is happening? Is this meant to be satanic ritual or something? What's with the stones?**

"What the fuck r u doing!" I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. **Please god no I don't want to read this.** I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11! **UUUHHHHMMMMMM. Voldemort brands his followers personally does he not? Now I'm thinking of Voldemort branding Snape's dick. Fucking hell, ow?**

He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me. **What the hell is going on? He just pulled his robes down to reveal his branded penis and then gave you a knife? Isn't she chained up?**

"U must stab Vrompire." he said to me. "If u don't then I'll rap Draco!1" **This is meant to be a commentary but honestly my brain is just screaming WHAT THE FUCK repeatedly with every sentence I read.**

"No you fucking bastrad!1" I yielded. **She said no but she also said yielded which makes me think she agreed to it. Also how hard is it to fuck up the word 'yelled'?**

But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. **Really not the time to be thinking about how sexy your boyfriend is considering you are all being held hostage and a naked man is threatening to rape your boyfriend if you don't stab your friend.** He lookd exactly like a pentragram _(lol geddit koz im a satanist)_ **that makes no sense, shut up** between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. **Both very handsome dudes but a cross between the two would be really gross considering the Gerard Tara is thinking of is circa Helena music video which is a no from me. I only find Gerard attractive from Danger Days album and onwards. Emo doesn't really do it for me.** But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. **How sexy someone is shouldn't dictate whether or not you're gonna stab them.** I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive. **Ok she's horned out as fucked, we get it but when the fuck was Vampire supportive when Draco 'killed' himself? Is this a missing scene or something?**

Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. **Voldemort has finally ascended to god form.** He started to do an incapacitation **he's beheading people?** dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire. **This is not a kink I subscribe to, sorry.** Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape. **Since when did she have these powers? Also Draco and Harry are gonna make Snape spontaneously combust? How?**

"Dumbeldork will get u!" Draco shooted. **Dumbledork, that's hysterical.**

"Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11" Vampire yelled. **Harry is well aware the ministry of magic is fucking useless and will not help him at all. When have they ever.** Meanwhile I took out my wand. **You are chained up, shut up, no you didn't.**

"You ridiculus dondderhed!111" **Dondderhed. Amazing.** Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico's clothes. Just as he was about to rape him…. **Oh Christ.**

"Crosio!" I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. **Snape has an extremely high pain tolerance if he can still move will being crucioed** Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. I stopped doing crucio. **Now she has a phone. And so does Sirius. This is impossible.**

"You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-" shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came. **? wheh. Snape saved you from Snape? Is this some time turner bullshit?**

Snake put the whip behind his bak. "Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing." he lied. **IS HE NOT NAKED? IS DRACO NOT NAKED? ARE THEY NOT ALL CHAINED UP? WHAT THE FUCK.** But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said 'Come on Ebony let's go." **Yeah no one cares you three have been captured, come on bitch time to go.**

_**Chapter 31.**_

 _AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111_ **You whats? What is that supposed to say?** _stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111_

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"I always knew u were on Voldemort's side, you sun of a bitca _(bufy rox!111)_." **Im gonna assume she means Buffy the Vampire Slayer which is a show I'm a fan of and there is no reference here towards Buffy that I am aware of.** Serious said 2 Snape.

"No I'm not I was teaching them somefing!1" Snap clamed. **You are naked, you have the dark mark on your penis, Draco is naked and all three are chained to a wall. What could you possibly have been teaching them that is legal?**

"Oh fucking yeah?" I took some blak Volremortserum **yeah she just carries it around with her all the time, no big.** out of my poket and gave it to Serverus. He made Snap dirnk it. He did arngrily. **This makes it sound like Sirius just handed it to Snape and Snape drank it willingly. Also I'm pretty sure a potions master like Snape would carry around a couple antidotes to veritaserum.** Then Luscious took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap. **Lucius is on Snape's side, this is a poorly kept secret, why would he be there?** Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes. **I imagine this is because Snape just started telling everyone about the wet dreams he's had about Lily.** Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times. **Why would Lucius care about Harry being ok?** Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. **Oh god not more porn** Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. **I wish I was.** Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. **No.** Hermoine, Darkness and Willow came too. B'loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid's store. **Why is Tom Riddle and Voldemort separate characters? They're the same person! Also yeah, here's a bag full of totally useless shit for you going back in time. If there's condoms and lube in there I might cry.**

"Whatz in da bag?" I asked Profesor Trevolry.

"U will c." she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress. It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick. **WHY DO YOU NEED A NEW DRESS AND SHOES TO GO BACK IN TIME GOD DAMN IT. The dress described reminds me of CL's during G-Dragon's ACT III Motte concert, at least it was pretty.**

"You look fucking kawaii, bitch." B'loody Mary said. **#destroyallweebs**

"Fangs." I said. **I'm saying this forever.**

"Ok now you're going to go back in tim." said Proffesor Sinister. "U will have to do it in a few sessionz." She gave me a blak gun. I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill. **You mean. A gun holster. Also how is she going to hide a gun under a form fitting dress? And she's not going to be allowed to go around carrying a gun, especially because it's illegal in the UK unless you are certified by police (and the people that do, are usually hunters) AND you have to be 18. You are 17. Also just from a quick google search, it is a very lengthy process that involves background and medical checks as well as where you're gonna store and have someone that has known you for 2 years that has an 'honest reputation' to vouch for you. Basically, she's not going to be allowed to.** Then she gave me a black time-tuner. "After an hour use da time torner to go back here." **Does not seem like enough time but whatever.** Proffesor Trevolry said. Then she and B'loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me. **Why do you need a pensive?** Every1 went in front of it.

"Good luk!1" Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth's touch sin. **Is that an STD?** Then….. I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive. **How do you jump sexily? How does that work? Like jump and land in a slut drop? And you can't use a pensive to go back in time.**

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. **So is she in someone's memory or is this bitch just really ignorant of harry potter lore and is actually back in time? Because the time turner only takes you back in time in the same pla** In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair **wearing. Is it a wig?** , kinda like Mikey Way only black. **Mikey way is not attractive.** He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. **This is the late 30's/early 40's. Vans didn't exist until 1966.** It was….Tom Bombodil!1111 **who the fuck is that?**

 _ **Chapter 32.**_

 _AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111_ **Who the fuck was it meant to be?** _if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111_

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"Hi." I said flirtily. "Im Enoby Way da new student." **Straight in there with the flirting. I knew she was lying to Draco about being sad about this. And I love how she's just shown up unannounced and landed straight in front of him. Voldemort is pretty dang smart like I imagine he would have noticed something was amiss when a random goth chick wearing really weird clothes just appeared out of nowhere and started flirting with him** I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him. **She always has black nails, stop reminding us.**

"Da name's Tom." he said. "But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam" **oh my dear god are we about to see Voldemort's edgy phase?**

We shok hands. **You already did this** "Well come on we have 2 go upstairs." Satan said. **? he just accepts this? The fuck?** I followed him. "Hey Satan…..do u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?" _(sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den)_ **? NEITHER DO GREEN DAY? ALL OF THE MEMBERS WERE BORN IN 1972? THIS IS LIKE 1944/1945 IF TOM'S IN HIS FINAL YEAR.** I asked.

"Oh my fuking god, how did u know?" Satan gasped. "actually I like gc a lot too." _(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that's ounded really 80s)_ **80's. 8 0 ' S. THIS IS 1945. Does that song even sound 80's? Oh god I'm gonna have to YouTube it, right hang on. Ok, no, it sounds 00'S, which is when the song came out, so now to remove that from my history.**

"omg me too!" I replied happily.

"guess what they have a concert in hogsment." satan whispered. **Siggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.**

"hogsment?" I asked. **Oh that was on purpose.**

"yeah that's what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000." **How. The fuck. Would he know. This is 1945. You are from 1998, so there's a massive plot hole there.** he told me all sekrtivly. "and theres a really cool shop called Hot-" **oh god no don't say it please don't.**

'topic!" I finshed, happy again. **WHY GOD WHY. Also Hot Topic was founded in 1988.**

He froned confusedly. "noo its called Hot Ishoo." **Oh for fucks sake.** He smiled skrtvli **how do you fuck up secretly that badly.** again. "then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic." he moaned. **Well at least he got the year right this time but again how would he know and this is not true. And we still don't have Hot Topic here.**

"ohh." now everything was making sense for me. "so is dumblydor your princepill?" I shouted. **Why are you shouting.**

"uh-huh." he looked at his black nails. "im in slitherin'" **No He's not, it's Armando Dippet. Dumbledore was the transfiguration teacher.**

"OMfG SHME TOO!" I SHRIEDKED. **Stop screaming. And how would you know? You're 'new'.**

"u go to this skull?" _(geddit cos im goffik)_ he asked. **No that doesn't make sense**

"yah that's why im here im NEW." I SMELLED HAPPili. **You smelled happy, how does that work?**

Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. "NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!" he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters. "STUPID GOFFS!" **What drugs is Dumbledore on? American Eagle Outfitters was founded in 1977.**

satan rolled his eyes. "his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we're in slytherine and we're not preps." **Ohhhh my god. What am I supposed to say to this?**

I turned around angrily. "actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord." **Spoiler alert.**

"wtf?" he asked angrily.

"oh nuffin." I said sweetly. **Wow she's certainly well on her way to making herself out to be a crazy bitch. Stick to your strengths girl.**

then suddenlyn…. the floor opened. **The what.** "OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly." **The FLOOR opened up and you fell through it and they're looking at YOU weirdly?**

"hey where r u goin?" satan asked as I fell. **Oh, you know, just popping down to the shops, you want anything?**

I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry's classroom. **So not only have you magically appeared in front of Voldemort, you've now magically disappeared** dumblydum wuz dere. "dumblydore I think I just met u." I said.

"oh yeah I rememba that." dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik. **"trying to be all goffik" amazing. Dumbledore just wants to be down with the kids, yo.**

sinister came in. "hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?" **damn bitch it thought I was rid of you forever, why are you back?**

:"um." I looked at her.

"oh yeaH I forgot bout that."

"wth how?" I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. but shes a goff so its ok. **Someone's personal style does not dictate how you speak to a teacher, dumbass.**

professor sinster looked sad. "um I was drinking voldemortserum." she started to cry black tears of depression. **Black. Tears. Of depression. Right. Also voldemortserum? Am I the only one whose mind went to Voldemort's semen in a glass?** dumblydum didn't know about them. **Didn't know about what?**

"hey r u crying tears of blood?" he asked curiously, tuching a tear. **AT LAST SOMEONE QUESTIONS IT. But also wow totally not the time dude.**

"fuck off!" we both said and dumblydum took his hand away. **Imagine telling the most powerful wizard in the world to fuck off. Wow. That's like suicide.**

professor sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. **She went from black to normal tears immediately. Nice.** "omfg enoby…I think im addicted to Voldemortserum." **Yeah im still thinking semen in a jar…**

 _AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112_  
 **how is this a serious issue? If she's trying to cover drug addiction this is gonna be woeful.**

 _ **Chapter 33.**_

 _AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don't lik da story den ur a prep so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz nd diz tim I men it!111111 U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1_ **oh god now she's got a story? Can't wait to read that.** __

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"Oh my fuking god!1" I shooted sadly. "Shud we get u 2 St Manga's, bitch?" **Now we have upgraded from St. Mango's to St. Manga's the weeb's are taking over.**

"Hel no!" she said. "Lizzen Egogy, **Egogy. I'm changing my name to Egogy.** I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?" **Who the fuck is Tom Andorson? Is this gonna be a running joke, no one can get Tom Riddle's name right so they just give him a new last name everytime. And why the fuck would you go back to 1945 to ask a 17 year old for help with drug addiction?**

"Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 **she's really excited about this.** He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas. **He owns the Republic of Panama? Nice**

"Hey Sexxy." I said.

"How'd it go Enoby?" he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking. **Right…**

"Fine." I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm. **Once again, a riveting conversation.**

"How far did u go wif Satan?" Drako asked jealously. **Really mate? Really?**

"Not 2 far, lol." I borked. **She… borked? Is she a fucking furry now? The fuck?**

"Will you hav to do it with him?" Draco asked angstily. **How the fuck is she supposed to now? I always got the impression that Voldemort was an aromantic asexual, but that's just me.**

"I hop not 2 far!111" I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched. **That was fast.**

"What happened 2 Snipe?" I growled. **Are you not in the middle of making out?**

"U will see." Draco giggled mistressly. **He giggled what?** He opened a door…Snap nd Lumpkin **who the fuck is Lumpkin?** werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife. **What the fuck does that say?**

"NOOOO PLZ!1111" Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically. I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued. **Ok what the fuck.** (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz) **what the fuck does shark attack 3 have to do with anything?**. We took sum of Snipe's blod den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. **why… are you taking his blood?** We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. **that's just far too much effort and uncomfortable.** (if u haven't herd of it den FUK U!111) **I mean I enjoy the Underworld movies but that's still too much I mean would you not have to rub fucking Vaseline all over yourself to slide into that fucking thing?** . I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on 'desolition liverz' by MCR. Den….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. **So you got all dressed up in the most awkward outfit in the world only to immediately take it off?** I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. **I doubt that.** We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. **What the fuck?** He pot his wetnes **his what?** in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. **You had an orgy, uhm how?**

"Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively **STOP SAYING PASSIVELY IT'S UNBELIEVABLE THE WRONG WORD.** as he got an eructation. **So he's been fucking you this whole time and only now he's getting hard?**

"I luv u TaEbory." he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol. **Taebory? Did you forget to erase your entire name from your fantasy, Tara?**

 **AND I think we'll leave it there for now!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: YO wuddup, see I knew I wouldn't have regular updates after that last chapter because I'm fucking lazy af. Anyway, here's the next chapter, quick recap: Snape and Severus are two different people, Draco's a little bitch, Enoby has to go back in time to seduce Voldemort, her teacher is addicted to Voldemort's semen and then enoby and draco fucked. Wild**

 **And on with the next chapter, enjoy! Xx**

 _ **Chapter 34.**_

 _AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story!11_ **Is she talking about her own story or the actual Harry Potter series, because I think I know her answer on both counts.** _u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1_

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I wook up in da coffin de next day. Draco waz gone. **Ragin, he ditched you, about time tbh.** I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end. There wuz red korset stuff **I don't understand what she means by corset stuff. Does she just mean the top half of her dress has a corset, like it laces up and cinches her or?** going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees. **Your corset goes to your knees or the dress goes to your knees, because if the corset goes to your knees, then good fucking luck walking.** There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth. **Could have just said a slit, like come on girl.** I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots. Suddenly…. Sorious cocked on da door. **Sirius Black just walked up to ur door and rubbed his dick all over it? Damn he doesn't like you.** I hopened it. **How did she know it was Sirius knocking before she even opened the door?**

"Hi Ibony." he said. "Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor's office." **Why did he start that sentence with 'Guess what' like that's something you say when you have a surprise for someone, not hey bitch get to class. Why is Sirius the one telling her this, why not Draco or Harry?**

"Ok." I said in a deprezzd voice. I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. I came anyway. **Draco's not even there and what does wanting to listen to music have to do with being horny? Do MCR and Evanescence have any 'sexy' songs? I don't think they do.**

"So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?" I asked Sorious flirtily. **How is this flirting? "hey babe how's your worst enemy and your best friend being tortured right now? Wink emoji wink emoji". Also girl please have some self-control, you supposedly have a boyfriend even if you haven't made it official.**

"I fucking tortured them." he answered in a statistic way. "They r in Abkhazian now, lol." **Well. Also it doesn't matter how 'evil' someone is (which Lupin's not and is still Sirius' best friend so I don't see why he'd be happy with torturing him), you can't torture people, like bitch YOU will go to jail alongside them.**

I laughed evilly. **What is this entire conversation?**

"Where r Draco and Vampira?" I muttered. **First thing, how is Sirius gonna know the exactly location of your seventeen year old boyfriend who happens to be the son of the man he hates? And secondly, wow this bitch cannot make up her mind if she hates Harry or not. Like 9 times out of 10 she's like FUCK YOU and now she wants to know where he's at?**

"Dey are xcused form skool 2day." Sodomize moaned sexily. **UHM? MOANED SEXILY? ALSO HAHAHAHAHA 'SODOMISE' FUCKIN BRILLIANT. What a name tbh, that's probably what they're doing right now anyway.** "Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas." **Yes they were excused from class to go and watch a shitty muggle movie, of course, totally legit.**

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. **Well you are supposed to go see her, so I'd like to think she was there.** She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic **? Thanks for sharing Tara.**

She wuz drinking some Volximortserum. **Yep, I am still thinking Voldemort's come in a fuckin jar.**

She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner. **Why do you need a pensive?**

"Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited." **So Tara brings in this story line cos it's a really serious issues and she wants to make us aware of it. Is someone going to enlighten her that there is no cure for addiction? And I still don't understand how 17 year old Voldemort is going to have this 'magic cure' to being addicted to his come for fucks sake.** she said sadly. "Good luck. Fangz!" **"Hey babe go back in time and cure me of my alcoholism k thnx bbz"**

And then….I jumped into the Prinsive again. **The pensive lets you go back to relive memories either of your own, or someone elses, but you cannot interfere in any way and has nothing to do with time travel. Also can a simple time turner take you as far back as that? I was under the impression it would have some sort of limit, like a couple hours or like a month at a push. I don't think it can take you back 53 years. Or maybe it can, idk if it's ever been clarified.** Suddenly I looked around…I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula. **We still don't have that cereal and it was first brought into production in 1971, so it doesn't exist. I know in the UK you can actually buy American cereals in specialist stores and some supermarkets but its pretty much just Lucky Charms and that's it. I'd imagine the UK equivalent to this cereal would be like.. Weetos or Coco Pops.** It was mourning. **Oh shit, who died?** I was sitting next to Satan. **Again, I'm sure Voldemort would notice if you magically appeared out of nowhere right next to him.** On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes. **I hope anyone that reads this appreciates how much fucking work I put into this because I've just spent the last half an hour researching fucking converse jesus fuck. RIGHT here we go: Converse as a shoe company was formed in 1908 and they were an athletic brand, namely for NBA basketball starting in 1917 and they rose to prominence for athletic activities through the 40's and 60's and then of course got taken over by punk and grunge scenes throughout the 80's and 90's. (this is not the entire fuckin history, I'm giving you a general overview, otherwise we'll be here all fucking day) They properly became a fashion statement in the 80's. The point of the matter is, in 1940's war time Britain, converse were not a thing. I imagine they didn't become a thing here properly until the late 80's through to mid 90's.** He looked just like Charlyn Manson. **Charlyn Manson. Yeah Manson's actually a woman.** **And Charlie Manson has brown hair. Oh god is she a true crime fan? Christ. Also the Manson family crimes happened in the late 60's, plus he'd only be like… 11? I think he was born in '34?** I noticed…he was drinking a portent. **Just randomly necking a fucking potion. Potions are not really beverages so I don't think this would be ok.**

"Whose he!11" I asked.

"Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn." **SLUTBORN HAHAHAHHA. Damn, is that slughorn's stripper name? Also Slughorn is a portly blonde man in the 40's is he not? I checked, he was. Glad she finally knows who he is.** Satan said. "He's da Portents teacher…..Ebony?" **How do you fuck up the word potions so much?**

"Yah?" I asked.

"Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat." **OH FOR GODS SAKE. More fucking googling for me, Jesus Christ. THE AMOUNT OF FACT CHECKING I DO FOR THIS IS WILD I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT. ANYWAY. Marilyn Manson was not born until 1969. He didn't come to the UK until his Dead to the World tour in December 1996. The Exorcist didn't come out until '73. Manson sure as shit didn't go to fuckin Hogsmeade and I'm pretty sure Hogsmeade doesn't have a cinema.**  
"Yah?"

"Well…...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?" **I love how he doesn't even question that she fell through the floor and disappeared last time.**

 _ **Chapter 35. gost of u**_ **Back at it again with chapter titles.**

 _AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 u rok! fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U!111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 fangz._ **"If you know any gofik names" amazing.** _  
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I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Satan. **Did you even answer Voldemort in that last chapter or did you just wander away? Shout out to Enoby knowing the 1945 password to the Slytherin common room.** Suddenly I gasped…..Draco wuz there!111 **DUN DUN DUUUNNN.**

I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak **Oh yeah their lead singer killed himself last week. Wonder what Enoby thought of that.** t-shrit and blak eyeliner. **I don't think leather trousers, LINKIN PARK (who formed in '96) let alone wearing tshirts or black eyeliner was a thing in the 40's. Typical male fashion in 1945 was shirts and pressed trousers.**

"Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111" I gosped. **Talk about insecurity if he came back to stalk her to make sure she doesn't buck Voldemort.**

"Huh?" he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn't Draco. **She remembered it wasn't him?** It was Lucan!1 He stil had two arms. **? Uhm I'm pretty sure Lucius Malfoy has two arms anyway? Is she confusing him with Wormtail because how? Also Lucius Malfoy was born in '53/'54 and went to school around '65.**

"Oh hi Lucian!1" I sed. "Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz." **How are you supposed to know his name? And did she literally say 'lol'?**

"Yah Satan told me abot you." **Oh god I'm never getting over that nickname like how cringy can you be.** Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz. They where siting in a corner kutting. **That's like the opposite of a circle jerk.** It wuz Serious, Vampire's dad and…Snap! **Those two were not mates with Snape at all. Like they were the opposite. AND ALSO SIRIUS, JAMES AND SNAPE DIDN'T START HOGWARTS UNTIL 1971.** All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts. **Amazing how they have Good Charlotte merch when the guys in Good Charlotte haven't been born yet.** "Lizzen I'm in a goth band wif those guys." **Oh fucking hell.** he said. "Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up. **Aye totally legit.**

"ORLY." I ESKED. **Hahahah did she seriously say orly amazing.**

"Yeah." he said. "Were calld XBlakXTearX. **Fucking hell what a name. Every emo kids username ever.** I play teh gutter. Spartacus **SPARTACUS. HOW THE FUCK IS SPARTACUS A GOFFIK NAME I AM PISSING.** plays da drums" he said ponting to him. "Snap plays the boss. **Ahh geee ragin snape doesn't get a nickname, fuck yee.** And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, **SAMARO WHAT** after Samara in da ring." **Enoby is from 1998. The Ring didn't come out until 2002. Even the original Japanese film didn't come out until 1998.**

"Hey bastards." I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. **What the fuck is this? It was mentioned before and I have no idea what the fuck it is.** Suddenly I gasped again. "But don't u have a lead singer!" I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly. **Hooo my fucking god, can't wait for Enoby to wow us all with her amazing fucking vocals.**

"We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists." **Of course she fucking did. I would.**

"Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1" I gasped. **I know it's real tragic.**

"Its okay but we need a new led snigger." Samaro said. **"aye shite happens but yolo we need a new one lol"**

"Wel…..I said Im in a bnad myself." **Totally didn't see this coming.**

"Rilly?" asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111 **Was he not already gothic? I'm surprised she hasn't started screaming the place down claiming that he's a fuckin poser. Lets be real tho, Snape is like the ultimate goth kid the fucking weirdo.**

"Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?" **Please don't bitch.**

Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi _(geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11)_ **Stop with the fetishizing please it's really gross.** Gurn Day. **Again, all the guys in Green Day were born in '72, Green Day didn't form until '86.**

"I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz." I sang sexily _(I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song)_.. Every1 gasped. **This song came out in 2004 oh my gooood.**

"Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1" begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap. **So these guys are supposed to be opening for Marilyn Manson that very night and they just hired their singer who doesn't know any of their songs. Why did they not call the gig off when their fucking lead singer killed herself?**

"Um….ok." I shrugged. "Are we gong to play tonight?"

"Yah." they said.

"Ok." I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit. **Yeah you're the new lead singer of a band whose songs you don't know and they're opening for a rather large group in less than a few hours, but instead of learning their lyrics, you've decided to go shopping for a new outfit. Priorities.** I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1 **uhm? This has got to be the weirdest cross over ever.** He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans. **I mean, Marty McFly was into some pretty** edgy **music I don't really think you need to make him 'goffik'.**

"What da hell r u dong here!11" I asked. **Yeah bitch, wrong universe.**

"I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby." he said siriusly **I mean, she has a time turner? She could just… go forward in time.** Den….he took out a blak tim machine. **Yeah he pulled a fucking time machine out of his ass.** I went in2 it and…..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111 **I mean, you have a time turner, you are from the future, and he didn't say he was going to bring you forward in time? I don't understand the suspense here.**

 _ **Chapter 36.**_

 _AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111 ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111_

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I loked around in a depresed way. **How do you do that? Does she not want to be there? Because she legit just said she wanted to go back to her time to go get a new outfit.** Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. B'lody Mary, Socrates **who the fuck's that?** and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to. **They're all just standing around having a séance?**

"OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111" **Yep, nevermind the fact that you're on a mission going back in time to stop a mass murderer, your teacher had a goth phase.**

"Yah I no." Serious said sadly. **Gutted m8.**

"Oh hey there bitch." Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom. **Oh yeah and you're supposed to be an addiction 'cure' for your teacher instead of your teacher leaving and getting actual professional help. Also I'm pretty sure your teacher cannot greet you with "hey there bitch" like uhm no.**

Hi fuker." I said. "Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I'm playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too." **How is she going to attend the concert with a guy when she's opening it and then go see a movie after? Like there's no time. Priorities.**

"Oh my satan!1" _(geddit lolz koz shes gofik)_ **Sigh.** gasped B'lody Mary. "Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?" **YES BITCH LETS GET YOU DRESSED UP TO GET IT ON WITH A MASS MURDERER WHO IS THREATENING TO KILL YOU, HARRY AND YOUR BOYFRIEND.**

"OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" said Profesor Trevolry. **UHM YOU ARE A TEACHER YOU CANNOT CONDONE THIS AT ALL WTF.**

"I can't fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first." said Willow. **That's fucked up.**

"Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also….sum luv potion 4 Enoby." Darko said resultantly. **There is still no cure and wow draco's a cuck lmao.**

"Well we have potions klass now." Willow said so let's go. **CONVENIENT. And classes still just happen whenever, fuck timetables.**

We went sexily to Potionz class. **How do you go somewhere sexily?** But Snap wasn't there. Instead there was…Cornelio Fuck!11111 **hahahhahaa again, did Harry come up with that nickname. Why's the minister of magic teaching potions class? I always figured Fudge was useless at that shit.**

"Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111" Draco shouted angrily. **You're in a potions class, which Snape teaches, why are you asking about Dumbledore's whereabouts? Do you have any evidence to suggest that he's gone somewhere?**

"STFU!1" shooted Cornelia Fuck. **Imagine being told to shut the fuck up by the minister of magic while he's teaching you potions, fuckin wild.** "He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. "Now do ur work!111" **Oh wow ok, you're just gonna throw cancer in here now too, can't wait for that to get an instant magical cure like addiction.**

My friendz and I talked arngrily.

"Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1" Vampire asked surprisedly. **Harry needs to sort out his prorities, I mean come on now. Your dad's best friend and your headmaster have been sent to prison and your headmaster has cancer, but you're more concerned about Snape's goth phase? Fucking really?**

"DATZ IT!11" CORNELIO FUK SHOOTED ARNGRILY. "IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE!111" **Why is Umbridge his superior? The fuck?**

He stomped out angrily. **Can't leave students alone in a room without supervision even if they are legal adults.**

Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer. **That just sounds straight up disgusting and where's she getting the alcohol from?** Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard. **Is Hagrid not like 8 foot? How the fuck did he fit in a cupboard? Or is he hiding in Snape's supply cupboard but even then it's still a small room like he'd have some job trying to make himself unnoticeable in there. I imagine most people would notice a half giant standing in the supply room.**

"WTF is he doing?" I asked. Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. **Priorities again. Also you've been with draco this whole time and you're just now noticing what he's wearing?** Suddenly…"HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11" he shooted. **I mean Hagrid's not really doing anything other than weirdly standing in a cupboard, there's no need for the shouting.**

I looked around….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 **yeah he just walked right up to your desk and starting slipping something into your drink with no one noticing when you've all been staring at him this whole time.** Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily. **How do you beat someone up sexily?**

"God u r such a posr!1" I shooted at Hairgrid. **What does that have to do with anything? I think the fact he was slipping something into your drink is more important than Hagrid's pretend fashion choices.** Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was…Amnesia Portion!111 **oh my god yay now we can forget about all of this!**

 _ **Chapter 37.**_

 _AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11_

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DARKO'S PONT OF VIEW LOL **Oh now she tells us when she's changing POV, great thanks, love the LOL at the end there, really makes me take this seriously.**

Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor. **How? Does that work?**

"Oh mi fucking satan!11" Enoby said. She wuz so hot. **These two are just constantly fucking horned out jesus Christ.** "Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1" **Uhm? How? Just use a love potion? How does wiping his memory make him fall in love with you?**

"But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata," **lmao bitch you forgot to take your own name out of your fantasy again.** said Vampire. "Why would u need it?"

"To make everyfing go faster lol." said Enoby. **Did she literally say lol fucking hell.**

"But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?" I asked jelosly. **Oh god, just shut up.**

"OMFG u guyz r so scary!11" said Britney, a fucking prep. **Thanks for sharing your opinion Britney, no one cares.**

"Shut the fuk up!1" said Willow. **Has she always been here?**

"Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry's room." **Yeah fuck the fact that Hagrid literally just tried to spike your drink and lose your memory, that's totally fine. And you're just leaving him chained to the floor? And is Umbridge's office all the way back in London, like what is taking Fudge so long to come back?**

Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater's room. **And back to Enoby's POV thanks for telling us.** But Profesor Sinister wasn't there. Instead Tom Rid was. **Uhm why? Also I'm glad random people just walk into the castle whenever the hell they want. Fuck security.**

Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez. **It's like he didn't even expect to see them there, so like why is he here? And does he just randomly carry around clothes for enoby? Has she actually paid for anything yet?**

I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said '666' on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset.

"OMG fangz!" I said hugging him in a gothic way. I took da clothes in da bag. **'hugging him in a gothic way' I'm gonna need an explanation for that. "Simultaneously cut themselves and then hug. They'll probably be wearing leather of some sort so it'd be a lot of squeaking" amazing what his brain comes up with.**

"OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?" asked Draco. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall. **Wait for her like a normal person? Did they seriously just walk into her office without knocking, like that's a bit rude.**

"Oh my fuking satan!1" I screamed as I read it. **Oh boy can't wait to read this.** On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now. **SHE'S TOO GOTHIC I AM CACKLING. She was too much of a fuckin weirdo so they took her to Azkaban. I'd say it was more because of her unbelievably inappropriate relationships with her students, such as you know, encouraging self harm. Inappropriate language and substance abuse. Not enough to get her into Azkaban, granted, but still enough that she ought to be suspended.** Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge. **So Dumbledore, who so far has been seen as an enemy of Fudge and Umbridge, and is also dying of cancer supposedly is now being brought back to teach… Astronomy? Right.**

"OMFG!111" I shoted arngrily. "How could they do that!11" **Pretty easily like, the ministry of magic is the overall governing body of Hogwarts' governing body.**

Suddenly Dumblydore came. **A mental image I didn't need thanks.**

"WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1" he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly's blak tim machine!111 **Yeah it's just conveniently sitting right there.** I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire. **Bye bitches lol.** Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. **I mean, you did jump into a time machine, what did you expect?** It was…Profesor Slutborn's efface! **Jesus everyone is switching offices like crazy in this story.** I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. **Convenience strikes again.** It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross. **Of course it was. That's just fucking dumb for a potions bottle like come on. It just occurred to me, is she calling it the amnesia potion but actually means amortentia which is the love potions actual name? Because that makes more sense in context.** I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz…..Profesor Slutgorn!11

OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don't kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY. **So you're in his office and he just asked you what you're doing in his office and you turn it back on him with what are YOU doing? Does that actually work?**

"Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class." you said finally hoping he couldn't c da potion in ur pocket. **Random second person point of view? Ok.**

"Oh ok u can go now." said Profesor Slutborn. **You just cussed your teacher out, I don't think you can get away with that.**

You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. **Why is it second person, I'm uncomfortable.** Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR. **Who the fuck is Silas? And why are you singing My Chemical Romance this is the 40's.**

"Oh hi you guys." I said seductively. "Wheres Satan?"

"Oh he's cumming." said Serious. "BTW u can kall me Hades now." **Jesus fucking Christ, Hades is the goffik nickname you came up with?** Suddenly Satan came. He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie. **Once again, congress makes shoes. And Slipknot was formed in 1995.**

"Ok I will see you guyz at da concert." I said and then I went with Satan. **YOU ARE OPENING THE CONCERT, GO WITH THEM!**

 **And that's enough for today, feel free to come back in about 3 months when I get around to updating this again lmao bye preps! xx**


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